I don't understand why psychologist & psychiatrists can't help me! I told all of them about how reality seems so fake to me and how it pushes me into depression & makes me very suicidal, but not once did any of them try to dive into figuring out where my problem originates from, what is causing it, and how to solve it! And during therapy for the two years I used to get intense horrible bipolar like symptoms every week on schedule that often led to horrible suicidal idealization and planning, but not once did any of them even try to figure out the cause and how to help. I still get the horrible bipolar symptoms but not every week. They're more random now.

I feel like they just didn't care at all and didn't try that hard!

Days are just getting harder and harder, darker and darker. Now I'm at the point of being like 99.99999% certain nobody is real and that I'm trapped all alone in some sick horrid experiment just being experimented on in a simulation type of reality. I swear it's true! Even last week I had a little bit of hope, but now it's burnt out so much there's really no hope, no motivation to live. Only motivation to end. I'm starting to feel like it might even be a bad thing to help this fake evil human world. Seems like I can't watch anything anymore without seeing how immoral humans are. Today I watched a video from Victoria Rose who went to see one of her best friends ever, a white goat that she left with her grandma to only see that her poor goat and cows and lot of other animals are inside a dark barn with barely any place to move. A poor mommy cow and her baby calf had almost no place to move! It just kills me. Then I hear a train go by here at the airbnb blasting his crazy loud horn disturbing thousands of people. I truly truly can't understand earth humans. Living on this planet is torture for me, but what other option do I have but to end it? And religious spiritual people tell me I'll be tortured in hell if I end my life!

As for the alters or whatever they are, they just watch through my eyes, sometimes co-fronting. Lately sometimes I've been overhearing them saying things to each other like my time is getting near. Near to what? A few times yesterday I briefly went into "inner world" where I saw a little, maybe 2 to 3 years old, on a teeter totter laughing and another little playing with a toy truck in the sand. At least they have a nice life and seem happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they don't seem to care at all about me, the host, and I think they prefer I stay away from inner world.

Why is everything that seems to matter to me the most is hiding from me? My system hides from me! The star people from the stars hide from all of us. Spirits and angels hide from all of us. God hides from all of us. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

For years I keep asking God or anything nice out there to help me but nothing happens. I want to believe all of this is real and that I'm not truly alone but nothing happens to help. It's not just a feeling. Reality feels fake but also there are people/strangers throughout my entire life who do and say things to me as if they know me. Same goes for online. Every so often someone on youtube will reply saying something to me as if they know about me, but they're always mean people. It's so weird. I'm about done with this horrible experiment on me if nothing changes for the good.