Making friends is hard for me. I wall myself off because I am afraid that if they see the inside me that they will think I am no good. But I know that is the missing piece to my recovery. Today after work, a gal I like at work and I went across the street to a bar. I know I need someone here, close by that I can turn to in times of severe need so I asked her if she had some time after work she could spend with me. It took me hours to work up the guts to ask her, then I got severe stomach cramps in anticipation of going out after work. But it all went well. I told her my story. She didn't think I was horrible. She told me some of her past too and I realized that I am not alone. Yeah, I know you all are out there but I have always felt so dang alone, like there is no one who could possibly understand in the "real world". She made sure that I had her cell number and her daughter's cell number, and her boyfriend's cell number so that if I every get to the horrilble point again I can be sure to get ahold of her. How very strange. Someone I am not paying a lot of money to is willing to take my call.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. I know I should with all that is happening but I am so sick of therapy. I have been going for eight years. Eight freaking years. I am sick of sitting across from someone I pay to listen to me. It feels so false. Then I get attached to them but am denied the closeness that I really desire. It is like my parents all over again and again. I don't want to put myself through that again. Besides I know what they will say. They have been repeating it to me over and over again for the last eight years. Their advice just hasn't become totally realized in me yet. It takes time for me to recognize what is happening within me. Time spent talking and writing in my journal. Expression of myself. Once I am able to express myself, to get it out there then I can match what this therapist or that therapist said 10 or 20 times to the problem at hand. I just have to make sure I stay safe in the mean time. That is the scary part. Staying safe.
Zen