a little update here.......nowheretorun said he could see my hearts on the boards well I especially let my hurt heart out on this particular post............
I've still been knawing away on this one, on being a product of my past and not a prisoner of my past...especially, the empty feeling of my past empty and humiliated. I spoke with my cousin to-nite and he said we all have crosses to bear, even people without such grave illnesses do. He said I probably will never forget what happened to me, all those times I was fired with different strange reasons each time, losing the family I loved, being called 'weird' over and over, having parents fail me as human beings, all of these things, try as I might, I will never forget them. When the terrible empty memory comes up, my cousin said, acknowledge it, know that yes, that was me then, that was my emotion then, that outside circumstance happened then, but know that no, that is not how I feel now, that is not who I am now, Junerain is a different Junerain, not even a better Junerain, just changed. I look to the dog pictured earlier in the post, leaping across the eternal oceanside water, free to be who he is regardless of such evil so prevalent in this world, perhaps not his world. For my next lifetime, perhaps it will be more simple, not bound with such ugliness I have seen deep in people's hearts, perhaps I will have my sanity, my dignity, and even a little joy. I do believe God knows who has attacked and hurt me, called me names, just for being eccentric. And it is my profound hope that one day they will be punished in the same manner this life I have found myself in has been some sort of punishment or vindetta against me.................