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Perhaps your also struggling with really wanting him there also?

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it seems like you are cycling through feelings of wanting his attention, acknowledgment, approval, sharing in this experience, but at the same time not wanting these things. Is this correct?

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You know, I really don't want him there. I feel certain of that. I do not like being the center of attention and I would feel very self conscious if he were there. And I want this experience to be my own. If I want to share it with T, I will tell him about it in therapy. I don't want him looking over my shoulder out in the world, seeing how I am doing in life. And I worry I will somehow disappoint him--not be proficient enough in self defense. If it were some other sort of event where I was more confident of my abilities, I wouldn't mind his being there. Like if I were giving a presentation somewhere and it was open to the public--I would be fine with his attending. Plus there is the whole link to mom.

The reasons I don't want him there are 1) all my rejection in the past--mom who wouldn't go to soccer games and was critical of me all the time. My husband--same deal--was he ever supportive? And 2) I fear looking bad in front of T (failing at my graduation self-defense moves). I would be worrying about his presence at the graduation and trying not to screw up. If it were some other sort of event where I was more confident of my abilities, I wouldn't mind his being there. Like if I were giving a presentation somewhere and it was open to the public--I would be fine with his attending.

I feel bad about not wanting him to come because in a way, it is a test of our relationship. In a healthy, mature relationship, you are secure and confident of the other's support no matter whether you do well or not. This shows my relationship with him is lacking, that I can't open myself to him enough to share this event with him, even though there is the possibility I will not "perform" well. This makes me sad because I have been thinking we have such a good relationship but when push comes to shove, it turns out we do not, or else I would be able to have him there with me at this event.

It's like I learned to have a relationship with him in the safe environment of his office, but I can't move it outside. It's like the tropical flower that dies outside the hothouse. I just wish he hadn't brought up graduation.

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Sunrise, perhaps what t was saying was "if you want me to be there i am giving you permission to invite me"????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, I think this is the most positive way to look at it and I will try. If I really wanted him there, I would have lots of trouble inviting him, because I am so respectful of his boundaries. Maybe he knows this and was trying to make it easy for me.