Ok, but the person in question is my spouse. Who also gets angry at me for not being attuned enough to realize what they're going through.

When I preemptively say, "Look I see what you're going through and see how hard it must be, and it hurts me, and I want to help," I've gotten this reply. For stuff like this or for health issues, or job search or whatever.

Sometimes I get challenged first ("What do you see? What do you know?")

Last night we were talking about the holidays. She said it was good but really hard. I said I wanted it to be good, and I'd been worried about her. "Why?"

"Because I know it was bothering you that your sibling is moving away and they and your parents made Christmas plans that excluded you from being able to take part. I know that hurt."

"Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. It hurts and it sucks but I don't need your pity. Worry about yourself."

So I'm left pretty stumped sometimes.

Thank you both for the insight.

Shining a light or breaking in the door are analogies I can easily visualize.