Well... I don't know as I have answers to these questions to offer you. (But I know this is how I view myself.) I think these are questions each individual must answer for themselves. If you're 40 years old, though, you presumably have time to yet find a pathway through your suffering to inner peace. (In my case, on the other hand, I'm old enough there's not enough time left to make it worth worrying about. It all just is what it is... or was what it was as the case may be.)

Over the years, I have found comfort as well as practical coping skills in the writings of the American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. In particular I have found the practice of "compassionate abiding" to be of great help. It's not a cure. But it is a way of coping despite the suffering you endure. Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

May it be of benefit.