Not much had happened today. Just an easy, relaxing day. I need such easy days too - since most of them are hard. And I can’t miss any of my pills. Not a single one. When I did that - which in some few cases I did - “only” 300mg of Ergenyl felt in my mind as if I had a flu. That cannot and must never happen. So if you get medicines from your doctor in psychiatry you need to take every single one. Period.

I also got an appointment today with my greenhorn psychiatrist nurse. We can call him “Johan”. Remarkably that I even got the meeting in 14th January, and even more remarkable that I needed to contact my psychiatrist care to remind (!) them that I still need some talking. Also, I’ve been waiting almost a year for their rental-(!)-doctors (I use the word “rental” since this psychiatrist centres are leasing all their doctors on short term). Mental/psychiatrist centres are extremely low on people, especially on doctors, here in my country. That’s why it is a dagger through my heart when I see that Swedish television will now have gala performance against mental illness - in Arena Avicii (Stockholm). Yes, same Avicii (Tim Bergling) who took his own life back in 2018 due to mental illness. They will do all this but the politicians will not help us in our regions (read states) by hiring MORE doctors?

Perhaps I’m narrow minded. Perhaps it’s not fair that I put it this way. But, how many Tims will those politicians need to get us some doctors so they can help us? And administrators in city hall, who don’t give the slightest damn about if you have bipolar or whatever the hell you have: you’re on your own. And if you do something they think it’s not suited for them, you can look for work elsewhere. On top of everything this entire BIAS against mental health and disorders etc. So having gala performances - with Swedish celebrities etc. - what will this have an impact for us who are affected with mental illness? Or is it just to raise attention in media for time being, raise some money (swedes are very good with that no matter what it is) to some fund and then what?

Tim Bergling would be still alive if he got help from very start. But he didn’t, nor he wanted to search, since here in this damn country it’s STILL prejudice to have ANY mental illness. It’s more than tabu to talk about this, especially for us men. And if you reveal that, those people will never look you same way as they did before. In matter of fact, they even might get things very complicated for your OR try to get rid off you - since you’re the weakest link. So no matter how “brave” Swedish media tries to be, it will unfortunately have limited affect for those who really need the help. Then, next week the media - as always - will forget about it and put a new topic instead.

This is how things works. And this is why it’s so difficult to reveal yourself and what you have. And this is why I always reflect like this for myself every night before I go to bed. Hoping that there are some people who might understand us who are affected and who carries this day in day out no matter what our job is. That’s why I still telling me this even today that there is still hope.

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