I feel…off, today. Very odd. I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve literally been reading for close to ten hours or what but I just don’t feel part of this world right now. Could definitely be the books, I mean you are sort of transported when you read, right?

But I don’t feel like I’m in the stories. It’s the weirdest thing but I feel like I’m my mom. Not even in a self loathing “this is what my mom would do get your butt up and be useful” sort of way. Like I’m ready to look in the mirror and see my mom’s face staring back at me. I do look just like her so it’s actually kind of true. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m living her life, not mine today. My life isn’t nearly as sad as hers (currently). But I feel completely dissociated. I don’t feel like I’m real, like RS is real, like I’m in my own house. Nothing feels as it should. It’s disturbing.

My mind is getting worse by the day, it seems. Since the breakdown in may I have become increasingly forgetful and less aware of time. It has hit a new low, gotten to the point where I can’t remember if I’ve even said something out loud or just meant to say it and never did. I can’t remember ANY appointments unless I immediately put them in my phone AND set an alert long enough ahead to allow me time to get to the appointment should I forget I even had it. I can’t remember to pay bills because I don’t know what date it is.

Part of it might be Covid, I’ve heard brain fog is a lasting effect. But it’s been going on way longer than just before I had Covid. Covid may have worsened it but it’s definitely not the cause.

It’s quite worrisome. Dementia does run in my family through my mother’s side, but I’m only 34. My mom though, she’s been saying for a couple of years now that she’s having the same type of brain fog and I’ve been worrying that maybe she’s starting to show signs even though even she is only 62. I have to wonder if mental illness and trauma plays a part. Funny that it should happen as soon as my brain finally lets me feel the full weight of what has happened in the past, and my mother’s life is just as traumatic as mine and she hasn’t received any treatment at all.