Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
Ok, but the person in question is my spouse. Who also gets angry at me for not being attuned enough to realize what they're going through.
When I preemptively say, "Look I see what you're going through and see how hard it must be, and it hurts me, and I want to help," I've gotten this reply. For stuff like this or for health issues, or job search or whatever.
Sometimes I get challenged first ("What do you see? What do you know?")
Last night we were talking about the holidays. She said it was good but really hard. I said I wanted it to be good, and I'd been worried about her. "Why?"
"Because I know it was bothering you that your sibling is moving away and they and your parents made Christmas plans that excluded you from being able to take part. I know that hurt."
"Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. It hurts and it sucks but I don't need your pity. Worry about yourself."
So I'm left pretty stumped sometimes.
Thank you both for the insight.
Shining a light or breaking in the door are analogies I can easily visualize.
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To me, your wife is just plain difficult, and you (in her mind) can't do enough or anything correctly (ie, the way she wants it to be).
In one of your last threads, despite how much you had given to her, she still had complaints about you (despite ALL that you had done for her through the years, and despite supporting her through her illness).
Maybe your wife needs to take happiness pills and classes and go to therapy because all she does is unload her misery onto you, making everything YOUR fault. And you do this dance around her, constantly trying to figure it out in order to make her happiest.
Honestly, if my spouse showed such caring sentiments and empathy towards me during the holiday and if I had been in her shoes, I would have appreciated the caring gesture. All you did was show empathy and showed that you care about her well being during a hurtful and difficult time.
I don't think you did a single thing wrong and I don't think you approached this in a patronizing way.