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nonightowl · Dec 28, 2021, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I've changed a lot over the last few years..about the last 5..but mostly the last 2 when I've been in isolation due to shielding. (This March will be 2 years shielding when our gov't first put the country into lockdown due to covid).

Before that I did enjoy going for an occasional shopping trip or meal out but of course since covid have been unable to, seeing only my sibling and their partner and only going walking my dog when no-one else is about (not even getting chance to talk to neighbours or call in the local shops).

I had some thoughts about the above I forgot to post. I've changed in the last 2 years too, one of them being I don't want to invest time, effort, and emotions in sub-standard or one-way "friendships". It took COVID to magnify what I already felt deep down: These "friends" are really just casual friends or acquaintances. There's no real connection, no reciprocity, and no empathy. Their idea of friendship is worlds away from mine.

2020 was so brutal, I'll never forget how cut off I felt when they closed down the libraries on March 14th. Back then that was my only way to get online. I now have a smartphone, which I'm still learning to use. But at least I can get online with it. Right now I'm using a laptop checked out from them, which is due in a few days.

But stupid libraries didn't implement this until they reopened anyway. They just give one hour on public computers now, so it's good they offer this. But a long queue.

So in 2020 talking to these women just wasn't supportive enough. They have families and spouses, and they didn't seem to show the concern for me I thought they would, as they KNOW I live alone. Yet I had to call THEM for the most part.

And I don't feel "safe" talking to them, like I can say what I really feel. Both downplay it, and one always gives advice even though I repeatedly have told her in the past that I'm not asking for it.

On here I'm saying what I would say if I were face to face with someone or with everyone viewing this thread or posting in it. It's the real me, and it feels good to do this.

Just before Thanksgiving of this year, it got to the unbearable point---the isolation. I was scared to install Tapatalk, thinking somebody is tracking me. Then I decided the **** with it. I don't care. So somebody sees I don't have real friends. SO what? This pandemic has made me crave real connections even more, like when you're hungry and you eat something, then feel better.

But with friendships, I'm still hungry. Always searching, always on the look out. Since I've been burned so many times by "friends", I don't trust people right away. They have to earn the trust.

Just got off the phone with one of the volunteers from this non-profit that makes friendly calls to seniors. And I can talk to her way more easily than any "friend". She's way more objective and accepting.

Online I get this more than in real life too.

I don't have any friends to do anything with, neither of those women are people to do that with anymore. Pre-COVID I'd play board games with them, but now I don't even want to do that anymore. One of them is trying to get me to play even though I told her no. She wants what she wants, but I'm fed up with going along with what SHE wants. I guess nobody ever told her growing up you can't always get your way.

I don't want to "relive" those days, as there's no going back now. I don't feel any connection to them, they aren't worth the effort or time anymore. I won't cut them out, but I don't miss them. I don't miss seeing them or talking to them, cause there's not much there to begin with. And this is after years of "knowing" them, of which I feel I don't know them really at all. Neither has opened up much about anything, so it's so superficial.

I didn't grow up with this tech, so I don't know what I would have done without it. That being said, if I were in school when this happened, nobody would be in class. No remote learning in those days, so all grades would be stuck at home.....for 2 years.