Time surely flies. Soon time to celebrate new year, making promises and so on. Perhaps even a wish. I’m not sure what I wish for. Because every time I wished that something good would happen, it went in the opposite direction. I will not nag about this nor pity myself. I’m worried. That’s about it. Worried that people who I told in confidence about my illness use this now against me. Worried that I was betrayed from people I cared and was loyal to - one of them a school administrator. Worried about these panic attacks and that I one day might not be able control them and freak out at work or some elsewhere and people will see me in that condition.

Since 2005 I’ve tried to learn how to master my psyche, and since the happening in 2011 when I got diagnosed with bipolar, I trained my mind even more. Problem with me that I shouldn’t never ever let people go that close into me. And I should’ve always put boundaries. Walls - if I needed so. No wonder why everything of this haunts me till this day. Things that could’ve gone far better went in completely in another direction. What’s worst? That I had such weak mind. Weak thinking. Like a single branch that could be cracked. Instead of being the deep root that not even a god damn hurricane could move me around. And if it did, I would’ve bounced back.

So it took me what - 10 years and six months - to realise all that. Years that could’ve gone for far more better things - and jobs. How to deal with my current situations? By learning everything from the past and mould myself for a better future. That will be my one and only new year-promise. To adapt myself for every change that will come. To let no one see me cry or shout or go in panic. To prove them all that they were all wrong and that they should be ashamed for themselves and for all those years I was in vain and misery thanks to them. For all that bullying and out-freezing. “The silence-culture”. That, dear reader, is how many swedes are even till this day. And I just summed it all.

And no matter what, I’ll keep writing my diary here. And I hope that one day it will help other people who were in similar or same situation as I. And I hope they get brave. Because, in horrid moments, you need to put your self together by refocus, breathing in square and - relax. Do as you do with your laptop, reboot your mind, and give it for another and better go. But this time with security programs online with a big firewall.

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