Dear current T

Still 8 days to go before we talk again. If we were to speak tomorrow I know I'd spill my guts. Another week on and I'll have shut down again and probably won't feel like talking to you at all.

I know the first things you will ask is how I've been, how did Christmas go, was I ok? Do you want the honest answer? (rhetorical question). My go-to response is 'it was fine'. What I really want to say is 'it was bloody awful'. The truth is somewhere in between.

I applied for an online job I'm no longer sure I even want.
I reassured a friend that I'm doing ok.
I considered my exit plan, but didn't have the mental or physical energy to pull it together.

'It' remains my safety net, which I know you understand. You are the first T not to be overly worried about the fact that I have alternating passive / active suicidal thoughts. You even said in my situation, it makes sense. Now I'm not sure if that's because you want me to see that you can stay calm in the face of such information; or whether it's your way of telling me that you don't really believe I'd go through with it; or whether you think that my situation is so awful, why wouldn't I contemplate ending it. I don't know you well enough yet to determine which is correct. Perhaps I should put this question to you in an email and see how you respond.

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