My husband passed away on Mother's Day after 100 days in the hospital fighting Covid. I have grieved before, for my sister and for my mother, but this grief is much harder. Some of it is because it is the loss of my constant partner for the last 35 years, but the added complication of it being a COVID death seems to be the bigger issue.

I wrote this at the six month mark of his death:

"It has been six months.

I’ve grieved before - particularly for my sister and for my mother - but grief for my husband is harder - as could be expected I guess. Thirty-four years of marriage and constant companionship lost to unexpected illness is naturally the cause of deep grief.

But COVID is not natural (even though my husband’s death is noted as due to “natural causes”), and COVID grief is complicated.

It is complicated because of the cruel trick that we actually got my husband home just to turn around and have to readmit him again and hold his hand as he left this world. COVID has a habit of sudden decompensation and sudden death, even when things are looking better. COVID is a monster with its own mind.

It is complicated because, without a funeral, it is hard to have closure. Many families who have lost loved ones due to COVID are living with that lack of closure.

It is complicated because I’ve had to fight for a certain amount of justice for my husband. Families shouldn’t have to fight to get COVID listed as the cause of death. 100 days of hospitalization that began with COVID should not be in question. 100 days of COVID should be validated in the vital statistics without second thought. I finally won that justice for him, and his death is now “officially” a COVID death. It shouldn’t have been in question though. It was a battle I shouldn’t have needed to fight.

It is complicated because after eighty days of sitting by the side of my husband's hospital bed, I’ve been left a bit traumatized by that hospital ICU experience. COVID families often experience trauma either from prolonged time in the hospital setting, or, more often, a complete lack of contact with their dying family members due to COVID isolation protocols. Either way, COVID death is traumatic.

It is complicated because COVID is still here. The reminders are constant. The dangers are still real. It is like being in a natural disaster that has already demolished your home and claimed the life of a family member, but that disaster has never ended and stays a constant threat to the health and safety of everyone around you . . . for months and months.

It is complicated because COVID has been so awfully politicized. COVID isn’t political; it is a health crisis. But politicians and pundits exploit the victims of COVID by discounting their deaths as only the 1%, by minimizing their deaths as predictable and their fault for having pre-existing conditions, by insulting those who try to maintain personal and public safety through masks, by demonizing and refusing the vaccinations that could have prevented my husband’s death if he had just had about five more weeks. What he would have given for those five more weeks! He very well might still be here today.

I have settled into sadness. And that’s okay. Sadness is to be expected. It’s just lasting longer and with more intensity than I’ve experienced with grief before. They say that this is common with COVID deaths. The grieving process is complicated by COVID complications.

I’m okay. I’m blessed with my kids around me. I’m blessed with friends who check on me very regularly. I’m blessed with my faith to keep me grounded.

I am in a blessed state of sadness here at the six month mark.

It has been six months."

I have recently signed up to go to GriefShare.

GriefShare - Grief Recovery Support Groups - GriefShare

It is a group grief program that is generally housed in churches throughout the country for people who are going through the grief process. It isn't actual group therapy - it is more of a education and support group. I am hoping it will be that additional resource for me to listen and learn and talk about my loss.

I am not depressed. I know depression, and this is not what this is. This is profound grief, complicated by COVID. Over 800,000 people have lost their lives just in this country in less than two years. It is estimated that 9 other lives are affected by each of those deaths. This country has a grief crisis on its hands. I am not sure it is equipped to handle it.

I share this because if you are someone grieving (and not necessarily due to a COVID death), and you need some additional support - not necessarily therapy - the GriefShare program does seem to be sound and rather readily accessible as well as very low cost (I think the fees are $20 for the 13-week group - and it seems I read they can even scholarship that if needed).