Was telling T today about my hospital experince, saying its proberbly in my mind becuase shes' off next week. I told her about the clown and how today I still feel gggrr when I think off him. T said, I wonder if its because he was being trying to be familiar with you? I said, yes thats just how it felt/feels, but why? T said perhaps it reminded you of your adoption when youru "new" mother was trying to be familiar with you? I said yes thats a possibilty although we both smiled when I said, I doubt my adoptive mother was ever familiar with though LOL, but I knew what she meant. Perhaps thats it. I like people to show some genuiness in getting to know me and not just act as if we're life long friends from the off. A bit shirty of me I guess, but hey, we're all got baggage we carry with us.

I noticed today as I sat in the room how I am different in the room then how I am outside. How the prospect of the weeks vacation in the room seems unbearable, unyet I know now that I do survive the breaks pretty well and that I do hold onto T.

I mentioned this too T and said, I think its because of how I regress in here and perhaps I need to leave my child here in the room and go home a grown up. T said, what abandon her? why cant you leave here as an adult and with the child? Still thinking on that one, makes me much more aware of "her" the childs feelings looking at it like this. Actually is useful in giving me some space between me the adult and me the child and helps me understand how to listen better to the childs feelings in this way.

SO I left the room today and silent said to her the child, "ok I am feeling yoru pain over the break and I will keep you with me"

A funny thing happened in session, a pigeon flew into the window. T sits with her back to the window and I had particially seen it coming from the corner of my eye, but none the less I still kicked my foot up and said "%#@&#! hell" and T's foot moved and she went a bit red and said "%#@&#!" I've never heard her use a swear word like that only when she is sometimes speaking my langugage back to me. Its the first time I've seen her "disturbed" LOL! she said "well thats a first" I wondered if my unconsious anger at her taking a break didn't morth the pigeon into the kamakazi pilot LOL