Update: I tried to sleep, had lots of nightmares so I decided to just get up, I just stayed in the bed watching tv, it was like I was in a zone, no emotion no nothing, an hour later I was laying there trying to pull my hair out, scratch my arms and wanted to cut so badly and wanting to just end it all, lets just say the night ended with me sitting on the bathroom floor with my legs pulled up to my chest, trying to make the pain go and the urge to cut as well as shaking,needless to say I cut several times on my thighs. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and make it to my room where I collapsed on the floor and woke up this morning. Not sure what happened, I did try to find my meds, for the wrong reasons, but then remembered that I threw them all away, maybe that was a good thing at least this time. I have called my Pdoc and will see her later today, I told her what happened last night and she thinks that I need to go back on my meds and she wants to try a different kind of therapy not sure what that means but okay. The urge is still there and I can not seem to get rid of my supplies. Today I am feeling shaken up and feel like I failed, I am trying to get help and just need some support out there to get thru this.I am sorry I am not a good person lately, I try but I seem to fail alot lately.