Hi! In short, I've already been treated for CPTSD & depression for more than 7 years. The cause? Dysfunctional family. No boundaries, lack of emotional security. I lived my whole life with a total of 8 people, with an occasional 5 more people. Mostly, not my main fam. The good news is, from all those treatments I'm actually getting a lot better.

The problem is... I still live with them (it's common in my country to live with fam until you're married). I often still feel resentment esp. towards my mom. And I feel really bad. I can't stop thinking that a lot of what happened to me was caused by her inability to understand my needs. And whenever a member of my fam bullied me, she thought it was nothing to worry about -- even funny. I often felt attacked but had no one to protect me.

She is a very insensitive-perfectionist-ignorant person. But at first, she looks very kind and cheery. She definitely cares about me, she wants me to always be well even forget to look after herself for someone else (but Idk though... since she often forgets to care about herself either way. My grandparents seem to care for her when she forgets..). But I never even once, feel like I can connect emotionally with her. She treats me, but she always feels so distant. I can't really understand why.

(Oh and my sis also had some moments (years) where she was suicidal because of her own emotional problems, but blackmailed only me to keep the secret or else she would literally die, so yes I have resentment towards her too).

The question is... What should I do? I've been thinking to move out but I feel like I'm the one at fault. I feel like I have a caring fam, everything provided for me at home. Food, shelter, water, etc. I also have trust issue with friends so I'm really afraid of getting lonely by myself, what if my depression suddenly went crazy again? But being here, I'm not happy. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm always angry when I see them and it's driving me nuts.