Greetings all,

I have a very perplexing situation that I could use advice . Please take careful note of the personality traits and actions of the person I speaking about and maybe you can shed some insight into this.

I'm a single gay man. I've never been open regarding my sexual orientation to anyone at work. One day, a male coworker who is married with two kids was riding along with me to a local business meeting. During our private trip together he blatently asked me out of the blue with an intensity of emotion:

"Hey, why aren't you married?"

I was taken aback by that abrupt statement and I felt it was none of his business that I go into detail, and thinking, is it required that every man be married?

"Because I enjoy my bachelor lifestyle." I replied.

He responded in a somewhat nervous and jittery tone:

"Well, I have a friend who is like that. He has no interest in marriage or women. I mean, it doesn't matter to me. I also have friends that are gay."

My eyes went wide open in shock as to why he would be approaching me in this manner. I stared into the distance upon the road in front of me as I drove. I didn't respond and that topic ended.

It left me with a strange perception of him, wondering why he would be so personal. Those conversations, at least said in that context in a work setting are personal and usually not discussed in such a manner between coworkers.

We had been congenial with one another at work but never off-work friends. He never put forth effort at work and eventually got fired. During the time I knew him he had a rudely annoying habit.

His wife would call him at work at least a dozen times per day to check up on him. Whenever we were engaged in a conversation he would immediately answer his wife's call, abruptly walk away and completly ignore and forget about the conversation we were engaged in. He was never apologetic. It was extremely annoying and rude to say the least.

He also had another habit of starting weekend side gigs to earn extra money, brag about how he was going to turn it into a business but would never follow through and his plans would fall by the wayside. So, in other words he alway struck me as being ineffectual, lacking character and determination.

Fast forward a few years later after we both left the company and went our separate ways. He called me on the phone out of the blue to see what I was up to.

Early on in the conversation he blatantly ask me:

"Are you gay?"

I thought this was extremely rude and intrusive as I was wondering what his intentions were.

Then in a nervous tone he said:

"Well, I mean, I'm gay, or bisexual. Whatever. I mean, I've gone both ways. It's no big deal, I like anything, I like it all, whatever. Hahahaha! My wife and I played around with the same sex when we were dating. Before we got married I told her I was bisexual and she was okay with that."

Whoah! I thought. What a very uncomfortable mind dump this guy just laid on my lap. I didn't feel that I had anything to hide especially now that I'm no longer in the work environment so I confidently replied:

"Yeah, I gay."

Then he proceeded to gently lecture me on how it's okay to be open and honest and not hide who you are because in doing so he said you'll start to act "weird".

Oh really? I thought. Isn't it him who is acting weird?

To clarify, I'm older than this guy and much wiser. I'm a confident, well adjusted gay man who knows who he is. I was smiling as he was trying to "counsel" me and reassure me as if he felt I needed it.

Fast forward a few days later he calls me again out of the blue to chat. Our conversation made its way to sexual orientation.

"So, you're bisexual, you said, right?" I asked.

He replied: "No, I'm not bisexual. I'm me. I'm who I am. I don't put labels on myself. I like what I like."

At this point he's really confused me.

"So, If someone asked you - Are you gay? You'd say yes or no?"

In a nervous tone he replied:
"Oh, I would say NO!" I'm not gay!, No, absolutely not, I'm not gay"

"But you're sexually attracted to males!", I questioned.

Shudderingly he quipped:
"I mean, I don't put labels on myself, I am who I am"

"So if someone asked if you're bisexual you'd say, Yes?"

His voice shaking like a scared chipmunk he replied:

"Yes. No. I don't know. I mean. I'm neither. I mean, I am who I am. I don't put labels on myself. Hahahaha! "

At this point I am totally perplexed with this guy. At first he comes out to me as being bisexual, then denies it. I'm listening on the phone trying to figure out who and what this guy is and why he brought this conversation to pass in the first place. Why is he reaching out to me even though we were never close friends at all.

In an attempt to sincerely understand this guy, I asked him:

"So if you're sexually attracted to men, why did you decide to marry a woman instead of a man?"

Again, nervously he replied:

"Because, I prefer a woman's body, I guess. I have an amazing wife and an amazing life."

So at this point, I am dumbfounded.

Then, all of a sudden up rears the ugly head of his old habits as he interrupts me and says ...

"I gotta go! My wife is calling me!" CLICK! He hangs up the phone.

Wow! just wow. I was sitting there with the phone in my hand just dumbfounded.

As a side note, he also mentioned his premarital 20-something days of drug and alcohol induced clubbing and bisexual lifestyle. Also being invited by older gay men on yachts with sex, drugs and "beautiful men and women galore, he said.

In an attempt to analyze this guy and the situation that had transpired this is what I came up with:

It seems to me that he is a gay man but is deeply closeted about his same-sex attraction to anyone but his wife or other gay men. He decided to get married because his wife was okay with it and truthfully living as an open gay man would be too painful for him to admit. He's reaching out openly to other gay men, like me, because he knows deep inside that a part of his identity is truly gay but he lacks the courage to admit it. He prefers living a secret gay life cloaked by what he perceives to be a more societally accepted, non-judgmental heterosexual lifestyle. He is mistakenly confused by the long-time bond he has with his wife and who he truly is. Regarding his wife calling him a dozen times a day at work to check up on him now seems to makes sense. She is obviously aware of their premarital bisexual party days and his current male preferences and in some regards lacks trust.

Does that sound like a fair assessment? Am I wrong?

What's ironic is he claims to abhor "labels" on himself but forcefully questioned what my "label" is and began to counsel me that it's okay to admit openly to my "label".

Doesn't this all strike you as a bit odd?

Where I'm at now is whether or not to continue communication with this person. On the surface he appears to be nice and understanding. Although he is extremely self-involved with a rude habit of hanging up the phone the instant his wife calls and his obvious sexual insecurities. I also need to keep in mind that there are a lot of people who appear well on the surface but are living life with undiagnosed mental conditions.

Not sure if I should continue communication and friendship.

I reached out to gather opinions from close friends but I also thought it could help asking here as well.

What are your thoughts and opinions on this person and situation?

Thank you for your time.