I literally have no one to talk to. I was talking to my younger brother whom I thought he was understanding, but as it turned out he is just like the rest of them. Judgmental. I talked to him one day, and in the next day I sent him a message telling him I am in pain and crying, he told me "I talked to you yesterday"!! All my so-called friends and colleagues from school moved on and progressed in life with families and new social circles. Even my PhD supervisor, with whom I spent 4 years as a PhD candidate, no longer responds to me. I sent him an email a couple of days ago to say happy new year, and he didn't reply. It made me feel invisible. Not important.

I want to talk to a psychiatrist. I am trying to find the courage. I guess I am afraid they would judge me with their questions and silence. Or I am afraid to admit I have issues. I feel despair. I have no hope. I don't see what's the point. People my age are married and have children, with stable jobs, cars, and homes.

I was happy in my last job. I wasn't getting paid much, but for me it was enough. But more importantly, I liked the social aspect the job entailed, until the lockdown was enforced. I used to take a shower everyday. Put on clean clothes every day. See and talk to people everyday. Sitting home alone is not good for me. But I am not social to not be alone, and now I am scared of covid-19.