@NotFit - I feel like I can relate to you a lot! I had a couple of PhD supervisors, and I decided to leave and not even go for a doctoral program because of my mental illnesses worsening. I am 47 and still wish to rehabilitate, but I feel that is impossible now because of this pandemic and anti-Asian biases making it even harder for someone like me (middle-aged, Asian, obese, and disabled) to even get into grad school let alone hired after that. I lost my dream. So all I have to show for it is a Bachelor's degree (graduated summa cum laude), a first-authored peer-reviewed paper that went nowhere, my disabilities, my poor figure, my isolation endeavors throughout this pandemic, and a daughter I had placed for adoption years ago - again, because of my disabilities.

I am utterly alone, and I've been judged throughout my life. I even failed at being a parent.

I have no recommendations left anymore (I had a falling out with one mentor and the other mentor retired). I probably have no future either.

I'm afraid of Covid-19, too. I can never attend another brick-and-mortar because my concentration would be on the virus or other pathogens now, in addition to possible anti-Asian hate against me.

The best thing I can do is hold on for the ride of life and see what happens, all the while trying to find support. I have a really good T, whom I see via Zoom only. I've seen her for almost 2 years now via Zoom. I miss seeing her in person, but I don't want either of us to get the virus. She's in her 60s, so I worry about her. I have also made friends with those who went ABD (all but the dissertation), and heard of their struggles with making the decision to drop out of their doctoral programs. I never even went into one; I was only in a post-bacc program. I feel for those who were accepted into a doctoral program but had to leave. I often wonder if there are second chances for any of them to return to a doctoral program in the future. I feel like they might have it the worst than those who decided to not even apply yet.

Please, don't give up though.

You are still relatively young! If you're only 40 years old, you are 7 years my junior, which means you have a lot more life left to live and accomplish your dreams and goals.

To rebuild your recommendation pool, start off first by reinventing you. Find the therapist(s) you need to heal. Take time to explore what your passions in life are, and what direction you can take your newfound purpose in life - perhaps a different field, perhaps an interdisciplinary framework, perhaps the same field but different dissertation and thesis altogether - which would also require new opportunities for research experience, and new referees to help you get back into the PhD track. You can still do it. It will just take a little effort on your part to find a new set of supportive friends and colleagues.

Perhaps if you start a new thread in the education area (I forgot where that's at on these forums", you can post something about a supportive network online for those who dropped out of their PhD programs, or those who never even applied. I'd be interested in joining that, if someone like you led it. There are many of us who are disabled and really wishing we could go to grad school to do things we know our brains are capable of doing, but our emotions and disabilities can't quite handle yet.

I hope you find local support, online video support (where people know their names and faces), as well as support here on these semi-anonymous boards/forums.

Hang in there.