I had made reservations for a trip I was going to take today about a month ago. It was at a place that I had wanted to see. In the last few days I had my ups and downs about going on this trip. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I got so overwhelmed that I decided to cancel. I had actually made phone calls around 1 AM this morning to do the cancellations.

And now I have mixed feelings. I feel very tired from the lack of sleep. I feel a sense of relief but mostly feel horrible about what I did. I called my sister and she was understanding. Later I talked briefly to my friend and he wasn't. It seems like he wants to give me the brush-off now. I never was that crazy about him, but he is all that I have as a friend.

I hope that I will get over this horrible feeling I have about myself. I get the feeling that it's going to stay with me for a long time. I'm feeling like no one understands. I had some crying bouts today and that's rare for me. Especially when I unpacked my bag and later went grocery shopping.