My dad left to visit my grandmother on his side and my mom is still at work. My dad might stop by (Coming back) on his way to the coast and then he'll be in Mexico again. I ended up waking up at noon and then cleaned the house for 3-4 hours - Organizing, vacuuming, shovelling snow, washing laundry etc...

These holidays weren't very good. We didn't get to go skiing because it was so cold and windy. My sister and her bf are isolating with COVID and can't fly back to the coast.

I feel bad for yelling at my mom - But it's her fault. She gaslights me and then makes me feel crazy and then I have to say sorry.

I haven't drank any alcohol today or yesterday - And I won't for a while.

All of my meds are good - I just feel quite dysphoric, unmotivated, uninspired, depressed and apathetic. But I have everything that I need. I'm just scared of how suicidal I was, the drug usage etc.

I don't know what to make of it all. I'm trying to find meaning in my thoughts and life, trying to figure out what is real. But I'm OK - I guess.