Day 4 in the new 2022. I’m not sure how to put this, but I can’t stop thinking about this situation I’m currently in - even this year. I will not troubling you with all details, but, it’s job related. I have been so strong since the last year (when it all started), tried my very best. Not only that we still have this pandemic, and this new omicron-evolution of the Covid-19, some people are doing all their best to make my life to a perfect hell.

The thing is that, they are aware that I survived far worse hell-storms than this thing. I survived first bullying when I was 6 year old. I survived a war when I was 8 and 9. I survived being bullied by a teacher in three years when I was 11, 12 and 13. I survived parallel with that even more bullying by other students - mentally and physically. Humiliations, beatings, there were all kind of things that I survived here in Sweden, all these years I’ve been living here (almost 30 years). I’ve been seen everything here, I’ve been also at rock bottom one period of my life - no money no nothing. I survived even that, and also an attempted suicide in 2011. And I’ve been fighting all of this, even if many times - especially when I was 11, 12 and 13 - all of me wanted to disappear in atoms. Just to be gone for all eternity and never ever come back on this planet ever again.

But you know what, dear reader? There was always someone there. In my case my mom, since all of this was sometimes too hard for my dad to handle. My mom was my wind, my fire, my water and my earth. She was the key in all this that I never ever gave up. And if I had some thoughts about it, we walked to the woods. We walked and just walked. I listened and she talked. She knew I was sensitive and that bad people might use that against me, many, many times. Even today, some people use my sensitivity and my kindness against me. Putting all kind of daggers, even venomous ones behind my back. Then dine it on a silver plate.

I’m struggling now, like I did so many times before. Struggling. It’s though, it’s hard. It was same way when I was in university and being bullied by some older women in my student-group. But the worst thing isn’t the words itself who damages you and everything inside: it’s that cold, out freezing-thing and the silent culture. When you’re suddenly all alone and don’t belong anywhere. But you try to be happy nevertheless, putting your new mask on every day. And smile. Smile through any storm there is and have fun.

Tonight? It’s dark, raining at the moment. No snow, no nothing. I also took my pills, 8:00pm, as always. 2,5mg olanzapine, 300mg + 300mg Ergenyl. Tomorrow is a new day, new opportunities, new hope. Stay safe and enjoy every moment of your life! Oh, speaking of storms:

"Remember to play after every storm."

- Mattie Stepanek

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