Doing a little thinking/writing this evening re: what exactly I miss about you, and how I can find that elsewhere. Main thing is what I knew I would miss - being seen the way you saw me. And just like we talked about on 12/17 I can find that elsewhere by allowing myself to be seen that fully by the right people of course - like my sister. And a couple of good friends. I'm still awfully good at hiding the real me though.

Thinking also about how weird the therapy relationship is. Convoluted was always my word for it and still is. I mean, seriously. It meant SO much to me, for SO long, was SO important to me... and now, it's just like, poof, it's gone. Almost like it never existed at all, and maybe it didn't since it was pretty much all in my imagination anyway. Yet, I was, am and remain changed by it, I guess that's what I mean by the "magic", not trying to be a romantic here, but well, it does seem like there was some magic involved in some weird way, how through all of my half a gazillion projections that you reflected back to me I learned SO much about myself, and finally reached the point where I was ready to pull them all back and own them, allow myself to be whole.

I really respect you and the work you do, you know. I can't imagine that any of this was easy on you. Especially to put so much heart and effort into building and maintaining a solid therapeutic relationship, all the while knowing that the actual goal is to watch your clients walk away for the last time, walk away from it, from you, at some point with you not having much of a say in it. I mean I know it wasn't easy for me to do, I imagine in some ways it wasn't easy for you to watch me go either. I sincerely hope that you never doubt the positive effect that the work you do sends out into the world. But maybe it also felt really good to you, too, to know that I was ready to go forward in my life.

I suppose that last part I will never know the answer to. But that's okay. I have pretty much always trusted the process, and I'm trusting this part of it too, even when I miss you. The missing you is less and less, and pretty much confined to the wee hours of the morning now when I'm awake at 3:30am and can't sleep.


Friday will be 3 weeks since we said goodbye. I love the you that I knew.


Be well.