I made it home. Thank God! I had some issues getting here, but in the end, I arrived about an hour ago. My trip overall wasn't bad. I was not looking forward to it, and it could have went a lot worse than it did. It was technically a "vacation" and it was pleasant a lot of the time. I won't complain about it -- but I am so thankful to be home. I have my own bed. It is so funny how much stress was relieved just landing in my home state again, even being an hour and half by car from home. I will sleep well tonight when I finally feel ready to sleep. My brother and his wife seemed a little taken back by our (my mom and myself) frustration with the cancellations. They really didn't understand while we liked being there, hiccups in plans cause chaos, especially for neurotics like us. Above all -- when you overextend your stay (in this case, without a want to) it just seems like an intrusion. We were ready to come home, and had to spend 5 extra days there but not enjoying ourselves, constantly playing a guessing game of "will the flight be cancelled?". You get it right? Travel is stressful like that.

I have therapy and my psychiatrist the 6th (I want to say "tomorrow" because technically it is, but it's misleading to say that at almost 3am on the 5th lol). I have a lot to talk about with my therapist and and not much change I don't think with my psychiatrist. My meds are working I think. I'm happy leaving them as dosages they are at unless she insists on increasing them.

My brother and I did have a few heart-to-heart convos -- short ones, brief and kinda situational, but I think he realizes a little better how I tend to suffer through a lot. Even though we are very much different people with different driving forces, it felt kinda nice to not feel so isolated and someone who could understand on a more personal level some of the things I go through daily. I did appreciate that. I found a core thing I want to talk about in therapy though. The idea of "Would you do it all over again?" -- that is, make the major choices you did in life that were hard because they were worth it in the end. I quickly, and very firmly, can say no. It was not worth it the first time around for all the pain and suffering it all caused. None of it. It does mean I would have never gotten a degree, a masters at that, got married, moved out, be independent, got a car, a license, etc. I understand that very well, but what it comes down to is this -- The things I've done for myself I can't justify ever going through that pain to do it again... how exactly do I make choices in the future for ME when I'm hindered and tethered to others who make that seem impossible? -- Again, this is a question for my therapist, not you guys -- I'm just thinking out loud. Just curious if any of you have ever been there, if you want to share your experience.



So I am just so happy to be home. It's so nice to just have my own things and feel comfortable. I hope I don't wait another 14 years to visit Virginia Beach and my brother, but I don't plan on making anymore trips anytime soon!