My T helped me realize yesterday that I'm triggered but not asexual. She said that's because I, being the host person with dissociative identity disorder, have multiple personalities (called alternate personalities, or "alters" for short) who do feel sexual attraction toward others. I might be more pansexual as well as sapiosexual, but I'm definitely not asexual. I thought that I was until my T helped me realize that there are other alters who are also a part of me, which means that I'm struggling with accepting those alters right now.

I find sex "icky" and "gross," along with some of the littles (the younger alters who were sexually abused). It's hard not to see sex as something mean, harmful, and icky. Most people find it exciting and romantic, when the timing is right and the person is right, but I find it gross because of my PTSD and DID (dissociative identity disorder).

Some alternate personalities took over to handle romantic relationships. Other alters took over to handle the abuse from long ago and sometimes in adulthood.

Trauma has messed me up in terms of my sexual orientation. Because of my DID, I'm all over the orientation map!

Most people won't understand this because they are singletons, as opposed to being a "multiple" with dissociative identity disorder. But perhaps some people with DID might not understand this either - or at least not yet.

I could identify as anything I want to, according to a mentor I know who teaches on the subject. But in terms of asexuality, my entire DID system would have to be like me, the host person, to qualify as being a true asexual. I'm not even a gray asexual, unless you separate me from my alters. But my alters are a part of me, which hurts to acknowledge sometimes, and some of them do find attraction to different types of people.

My T said that I've been traumatized, so that affected my sexuality. My T is very helpful, so I'm trying to heal through speaking about this stuff slowly with her.

It's painful to talk about - and embarrassing.