Hope you had great day, dear reader. Last night was - well - bad. One of my baddest. I refused to take Zopiclone (silly enough) and tried to fell naturally. All this when I had all those thoughts about my job and that. And, I got one of my heavy panic attacks and also panic disorder in one and same wave. I just freaked out. I couldn’t sleep no more. I took a book and tried to get asleep. Eventually, I did. Late, but I did. I was also going up early (6 am) and have meeting with my doctor.

So I woke up, ate my porridge of oats, took my medicines in the morning and waited for doctor. Doctor called me and I told him everything, the nightmares, about the work and so on. He knew all this but he didn’t knew that I’m this kind of pressure is putting on me and that I have panic attacks AND panic disorders. And for a long time at night. So I will not work 100% as I hoped for, but 75%. Also I think that I’m with depression, and he noticed too. Not that it fully took control over me but still. I’m in it’s claws.

After the meeting I made myself coffee and walked for a walk in the woods. I’m walking always to the woods even when everything is fine. But I needed this. A bit of foggy, slippery. The ground was frozen. But right before I entered the foggy woods, I heard something picking on a tree. And it was the woodpecker, noisy but funny. If anything keeps me smiling and cheering me up, it’s the woodpecker. I was there for a brief moment, stood and watched him picking that old tree. He didn’t flee away, just did his job and with bravura.

I went 3 miles all in all for my walk where 1,86 of them were inside the woods. I think tomorrow that I’ll go even longer. And it was wonderful! I needed that energy from the trees.

How I am now? Better, tired. Ready to sleep. Ready to take new things tomorrow. And keeping my head high no matter what. Life is like a bicycle. You only need to pedal forward - not backward. Because backwards will lead you nowhere.

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