I started my online forum journey a while ago---13 years ago, wow. That kind of blows my mind. I can't believe all the hills and valleys I've been through on this journey!

Before I developed a deep depression, I was a very different person. (I imagine it's like that for a lot of people.) I used to be an open book, and very trusting. I never worried too much about what people thought of me, although I did always try and be kind. I was very quick to take people into my heart, and under my wing. I felt like nothing could ever break my spirit. Still, I would periodically find myself completely misunderstood, and had more than my share of confusing interactions with people I thought understood me very well.

When the worst of the depression hit, it tore away so much of what I had considered to be "me". I became exceedingly worried, frightened almost all the time, and did develop a bit of paranoia. Suddenly, I found myself becoming very angry and hurt over the smallest slights. And I found I could no longer defend myself verbally, in real time. That was quite a big problem, as I had always been pretty articulate. And some people did seize on it, and use it against me. That was the worst; What kind of human being goes kicking a person when they're very clearly down?! Yes, and it happened more than once.

So, when I started visiting online forums, I was an absolute mess, confidence-wise. It feels like it took me forever to find my way around and figure out which people/ subjects to reply to; and which people/ subjects to completely avoid. But I finally did, just as in day-to-day life.

Loneliness can be quite a motivator. It gave me the courage to continue on, even when I found myself suddenly dropped, ignored, attacked outright, and even stalked. I could tell you stories! With the help of more experienced moderators and friends, I got better at managing the triggers and the trolls. I'm still cautious about who I share personal info with, as it has cost me dearly in the past. But I do believe with all my heart that being online has helped me regain an awful lot of what I had lost. I don't know where I'd be right now, without it.

And, finding this place was a huge step-up from the last forum I was on. It is much safer and friendlier, and has remained that way, right from day 1.

It's good, I think, to remember that this place is populated by people who are suffering some of the worst emotional pain a person can experience. That can make people volatile. Try to remember, too, that this is a tool to help you in your recovery. It need not be an over-arching presence in anyone's life. It became that, for me, when I first found forums. Every little interaction would dominate my every waking thought. My self-esteem swung on a very loose gate, back and forth, all the time it seemed. But It all finally settled-down to a mellow hum, eventually. Give it, and yourself, time.

And, I'm an old dinosaur. I much prefer writing to speaking in person, as my confidence about my cognitive quickness is not quite back up where it used to be. So, I am very self-conscious in person, and always thinking people are either 'out to get me', or hugely unimpressed. So, chat is also a troubling option for me.

I can review and edit when I write. That's not always the case when speaking with someone. And, even with feeling & doing much better, as well as being cautious and courteous, misunderstandings still can and do happen. And they will make me cringe to the end of my days.

I think it takes an awful lot of courage to open up in front of people, online, or otherwise. Give yourselves points for that!