He went inpatient again and is back home again. Yesterday was very nice, but today not so much. Pretty much back as it was today. I know it wouldn’t be easy but I hate it. I can’t even explain what it’s like. I just have a knot in my stomach and I feel isolated. Best case scenario is maybe it’s a bumpy ride just like it has been and it very slowly gets better.
He gave me his debit card (his offer without me thinking of it or wanting it) Since I guess he thinks he will overspend and I’ll tell him he is spending money we needs to keep in savings. Feels awkward. I said what about when you want weed. He said he will ask me for the card.
I see him smoking a lot. I asked him how long until he runs out. He said a friend gave it to him as a trade. I said that’s stressful. I guess I contributed to the tension with that. Its from my guts because of how he would trade away our stuff for weed if he isn’t spending cash because budget (I didn’t bring this up but my stress comment was probably wrong to say).

A certain part of him acts like this, and it gives me a lot of anxiety. If I don’t trust him or what he is doing he gets irritable (has a light plugged into the extension cord outside in the carport and the roof is leaking water everywhere in there). I feel like it’s unsafe, and he feels like today was the day to build this light and leave it on and plugged in outside where no one sees it and it’s getting wet? Is the problem he knows a leaky roof is undesirable and when I say we should move objects out of the water so they don’t get ruined, he thinks we should add a plugged in light to the situation instead?
He is seeing a cool light.
I am seeing hazards.
How are we on such a different page?
I asked him if he was going to leave this new light outside. I guess it’s his lamp to look at and trip out on while smoking weed. He suggested adding a piece of dry ice to it.
He wants to sell art to people in China because there is more people there so more customers.
I am trying to be so supportive but I don’t know what to make of all this.
He is trying so much to find something to do, and smoking a lot and distracting himself. He bought a board to write on to check in and focus on his structured day and healing, and asked me to encourage him to use it if he didn’t use it for a couple days. Well he installed it yesterday but hadn’t used it today. I asked him if he was going to use it today, and he got uptight about it. Then he suddenly said fine he could write a few things, but it seemed like a struggle of will and there was tension there. He was being snappy today, and then my kid was being temperamental, and I said ah she’s got a temper like her pops. He said that wasn’t constructive (sure) and I said it wasn’t constructive to be having a temper towards someone. I’m just tired of walking on eggshells.
I feel like I do everything wrong. I have feelings about things, and then i am never sure if or when I should express them. When I do express them, If I’m met with a wall, I feel like I messed up. Otherwise I don’t express, I just move on, ignore, and that feels wrong too.
I just can’t help but feel like my husband is rude to me. But then again, I made my comments today (temper like her dad, when will you need more weed, that’s stressful, maybe other stuff). He said there is a problem because I don’t like what he watches on tv (I hadn’t said I didn’t like it, I just said the interviewee avoided answering the question).
I just want to keep the smallest cushion so we stay afloat until things get better financially, and he starts getting creative about how to feed his needs, and that becomes his focus. To satiate. He is always whining about blame and I don’t understand him!!!