Went to sleep irritated and exhausted - Couldn't sleep either. I took a full zopiclone and .25 kpin.

I woke up, didn't want to get out of bed - But I did once the Vyvanse fully kicked in. I did the chores, had a shower etc.

I listened to music for a bit and then decided to finish a podcast - Didn't feel like doing it so I searched up types of YouTube channels. This video helped;



I started learning about blockchain on edx/coursera or something - But stopped. Although I had a little bit of an understanding. The days went by and I drifted away from it.

When my dad and sister came to visit, it has been -30 degrees for 2 weeks so we just stayed inside and didn't do anything. I couldn't even focus on the things that I DO, because my parents were drinking and fighting - So I started to drink and got agitated. And some point, I realize that drugs really don't help me and that I'm enlightened (Enough...) to continue trying.

So I'll do the course on Brilliant.org about blockchain because it seems better. I want to explore more of what my new devices can do. I also want to read more books - I read the fasting book and I'm sold on it (Even though there's propaganda articles saying that keto is unhealthy? - I'm sure obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease and cancer isn't healthy either) - So I'm reading the summary now.

I haven't had psychosis in over a year - But I feel that I have a delusion between the ideas of what my parents tell me, guiding me and their mistakes, control. No amount of money can be worth them dying. They did have cancer and other health issues. They will die within the decade and I'm not sure what I'll do. They want what is best for me but I also need to try and live.

I have full awareness that reality is an illusion. My dad believes that this is all a dream and there's nothing after death - But he was talking crazy that night, about everything. He told me in the morning that he didn't really mean it.

I just need to pick myself up and try to continue a steady state of flow. I need to accept myself for who I am and not what I do - Which I'll figure out long into the future. The spirituality stuff, I can't fully get into - A moderate amount is healthy and same with the opposite. I need to balance it all and not go into extreme, and impulsivity.

I need to enjoy my life and learn. My meds help - They need to be tweaked a little. I see my psychiatrist in around a month + I'm going back to the island to visit my sister because she left today. So I still have things to look forward to.

I'm addicted to metaphysical thoughts - I love the intuitive ideas and connections that I make. They've come back like what happened in 2019 but I just don't notice the feeling. Things will be good - I just need to try. Both of my parents tell me about good memories and I should think about the good times when I'm having dark thoughts.