I am missing you tonight. It's so weird. I think there must be different levels, varying degrees or something, of missing someone. This isn't the painful, empty, gnawing kind of missing someone. I've felt that before, after my grandma passed. It's more a, well, a quiet, calm-yet-insistent knowing that a little piece of me is missing... because I left it with you. I don't even know that I want it back. It's like I also have this knowing that I need the space it left behind for something else to grow but I don't yet understand what that is. If you could read this right now I know what you would say, you would roll your eyes and say something about how I am a romantic and stuff. We are so vastly different in that regard, you and I. I never saw that before but I can sure see it now. And I can't help but remember something you mentioned briefly during our last session. About "pausing", while in my mind and heart we were saying goodbye. But is this just a pause? Do you know me so well that you expect I will come back at some point? But, how could I, knowing what I know now, about how the you-I-knew, and much of the "relationship", was all just a figment of my overly-creative-and-romantic imagination? What would be the point? What honestly would be the point? Is there anything left once that realization occurs? I'm not sure there is.


I need to start putting a lot of this into a different format. Painting maybe, or poetry. But I'm tired, L. And I am also thinking a lot tonight about how you said that you were tired, when you cancelled the last 2 Fridays of December that we had originally scheduled. Did we get tired of each other after 10 years? Is that what happened? I wish I could ask you these things.


Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we saw each other last.


Do you think of me at all? Of when things were good between us, before you got tired? Do you wish we could go back? I sorta do.


But then I know, that it had to happen exactly the way it did. That was my process, and there's no use wishing for anything else. I just realized what this missing you actually is. It's missing what can never be.