Hi hellishlygood,
I can understand you saying "...in other ways I am just so fed up ..." I cannot understand, however, you saying "... in some ways i really feel like I deserve it, and should put up with schizophrenia..."
Surely not???
The disgusting feelings are understandable: like you, I can relate to that, and I also hear a Voice. I can see why you're "down". As I said to another the other day, there's abig movement gathering strength where they ask folks to acknowledge the Voice, and at a later stage to try to talk to the voice, even to enter into a kind of relationship with the voice. See my blog where I have one or two poems on Voices, at
http://john4.psychcentral.net/wp
After my being sexually assaulted by a younger man at work, I, Too, felt disgusted and disgusting for the best part of 4 years: i mean, intensely so, but as my care assistant has taken me "on a tour" of voices and what they both are and mean, I'm more positive, though I am always startled when the voice returns, especially at night, I mean the early hours. Tell me, are you sleeping o.k. or is your sleep interrupted by voices? I stay up virtually all night 24/7, writing and have the voice come to me on a regular basis, though less so these days. I'm fortunate, hellishlygood, that I'm retired on medical grounds so I do not have to go to work. What do you actually DO when you hear the voice? what's your reaction? The whole thing IS indeed tiring, I empathise so much with what you're experiencing. I end up where I began: I simply cannot grasp you saying you should put up with schizophrenia. THat, frankly, is beyond me. (I'm not having a go at you, hellishlygood, - heaven forbid !!). Have you seen your doctor or are you thinking of having councelling about these views you hold? My heart goes out to you, I'm hoping you might be able to keep us updated on your progress. As I live in London town also, do have a lovely Bank Holiday on Monday!!! Kind thoughts to you ; a special hug from me. Do keep posting, pl,ease. Good luck!