Holy crap Shaymus! What a brilliant line of exploration you are in just now! What kindness and love you carry for your family!

K. 'nuff gushing, I guess, but that was a truly beautiful post.

I'm aware of two distinctly differing views on responses to feelings of anger. The view that insists upon full expression for every twinge of anger leaves me none the wiser, personally, so I will talk about it from another angle.

Disclaimer: If this was a PM between myself and Shaymus, I would feel confident that he understood me in terms of offering another view. For those of you who don't know me, please do not mistake what follows for something I presume to be the final word on the subject. ie: if expressing anger helps you, great. But it isn't helping Shaymus, and I'm going to address that with my own experience. K? K.

For myself I have found anger to be a secondary emotion to something more challenging to express. Most often it is sadness wearing the mask of anger. Anger makes me feel strong in the moment, and sadness makes me feel weak. Absent a concious decision to examine the feelings, I naturally gravitate toward the feeling that makes me feel powerful.

But when I give anger its expression, my anger increases. Ironic, yes? And then, someone is hurt, and the underlying sadness is compounded. The cycle goes on.

The scenario you descibe seems to illustrate that transaction rather well. As you said yourself, "So now I'm even more angry."

But let's take another look at what you wanted to say but didn't, what you called an even more evil and manipulative response, about how you feel around arguing and that you were already hiding in the refuge of your bedroom, etc.

I suspect if you had said that, you would have probably burst into tears in the same instant. I can not for the life of me find anything evil or manipulative in that response, had you made it. That is the truth of what you were feeling. But that is a vulnerability too. Is this making sense?

I'm not suggesting that you become a mush ball and simply cry like a baby whenever you feel angry, but at the same time, with your family at least, you may have to live through the experience of that tear burst you fear. The first time you truly yield to the honest expression of sadness, denying it the mask of anger, you will have made a cellular connection inside you that will be permanent. And that my friend, is true power.

You are looking boldly and bravely at the truth of your heart. Keep going. You're so on the trail, you will find it.

One last tip I hope is helpful. Breathe. When that feeling you describe of the adreneline and racing heart seizes you, deep breathing physiologically counteracts that contraction. No thinking required. lol. All that adreneline and shallow breathing is the classic fight or flight syndrome. Thinking is hardly possible at that moment, and not effective anyway. But by breathing deeply, you trump the trick. Simple, and effective.

Shaymus, I can't believe that I am in any way unique to be able to see the love driving this post of yours. If you feel brave, consider showing it to your family. I bet they could all see what i do.