I have started really struggling with this memory again the last few weeks. I think this is because new Coronavirus cases and hospitalizations are skyrocketing in my community. I had been doing better with keeping it on the back burner and not thinking about it all that often in November and December as I was able to start living life again without having to worry about Coronavirus and was able to do things I enjoy again.

Since the week after Christmas, I think about these memories several times a day most days and struggle to be able to focus on other things.

The part of this memory I seem to think about most this time around is the feelings of anxiety I felt about people seeing me riding between my mother and younger/shorter sister in the truck. While me and my sister spent forever waiting in the truck for my mom to come out and get in and drive us to the garden store, I remember I kept focusing on the reflection of me and my sister in the windshield and how much taller I looked than her. As I kept waiting for my mom to get in, I remember I was convinced that everyone who saw us would think that it was odd that a teenage boy was riding in the middle between a woman and a younger/shorter girl and that this would be a threat to my masculinity.

We would have driven on some busy roads going from our house to the garden store and would have gotten stopped at several traffic lights. I remember as I focused on me an my sisters reflection while being bored to death waiting for my mom , that I was convinced that whenever we got stopped at a traffic light that everyone who saw us would notice I was in the middle and my sister was by the window and would think this was strange and that I was weird for riding in the middle.

Since mom couldn't get the truck started when she got in, I never got to see how people who we passed would react to the seating arrangement.