I was detached, very detached for a very long time in our relationship. Then I finally made the decision to confront, face, everything, the negatives, the bad, everything.

I've made this decision a few times in the last 1 year or so. But not with my boyfriend before.

Whenever I made this decision before with other people or places, it usually ended up with me having to drop the person or group or place from my life.

And it's only been a few days but we had some horrible arguments already. And I know it's a risk, a liability, if this goes on.

He did stop taking his antidepressant temporarily because he ran out of them. He's back on them now, I don't know if that will help.

But so the problem is, if I face and confront things my anger is going to be not so well directed or controlled initially.

"Not so well directed or controlled".... Understatement really, I mean I do not allow myself to be truly destructive but it's still not well controlled and so it is a risk for the relationship.

Any advice, suggestions, tips, thoughts, similar experiences to relate to? Or just empathy and understanding so I can understand my own situation better?

I really want to process the past too of this bad quality, neglectful relationship. I would like to be able to be fun and have a sense of humour again around him and just make things cool but when I open up like that, it's no good.

Even though he likes it much, and then that makes me more open and start talking about some real issue that I would like his help or support about, he just has horrible lack of empathy then.

And then there is a real bad argument from that. With a truly bad issue in my life, I was honestly telling him what just happened and how often I have had a problem with this particular issue and how I'd like to do something about it. (It has to do with my disability so it is a sensitive topic too)

I wanted to hear some thoughts, advice, tips, suggestions, or just understanding, listening.

Then he got like horrible, saying "if it always happens to you then you're the one who got the problem", I got so upset, I wanted to get physical but of course I didn't.

So when I got so upset.... He tried to call me crazy and laughed in a **** way at me and said other stuff until I made him promise he will never call me crazy again. The next day he still tried to randomly insult me with another really demeaning word. And that was just nasty, that he'd go on like that next day. I avoided getting intimate with him in bed after that for a while. It was just that bad.

Then a few days later I tried to be extra kind with him once during another argument, because I wanted to really make it work with him, and he ignored it and he just went on being the same angry and antagonistic, and then I blew up terribly about that.

I blew up so much that he thought I was going to break his laptop even though I wasn't going to do that. We had a bad argument over this until I calmed him down. Yes he was very agitated next to being angry so at least he was not completely hostile and closed emotionally.

Then a couple days later he would berate me for long minutes because of how the toilet got blocked and then later the same day he blamed me about me getting stranded in the city in the evening (long story how that happened). He repeatedly blamed me for it. Not even a word of concern.

And I did not eat lunch or dinner because of the city stuff, and he would not help me get food so I had to go out myself at midnight and only a donut place was open so I ate 2 donuts for lunch and dinner. Then he still blamed me after that for all of it. At that point I had to vomit out my anger at him. I told him that is what I am doing and that I am not stopping until I feel ok.

He let me in the end so that helped, the toxin from all that is no longer inside me, but I don't see this going on forever without real damage either to the relationship or to me.

The risk is this....The past just makes me have this extra upset and extra hot anger when I try to confront things with him and to effect change. I can't tone it down to some level where I can just be assertive and only a bit angry. Not this extreme angry where I have to pour it out and vomit it out.

I will not get physically violent or trash his things or anything like that but this is still too emotional for me.

And then there is this thing too, if I ask him to do something for me for some little help, he automatically goes "No". I automatically go "Yes". I mean if HE asks me for MY help, I automatically say "Yes". I say "Yes" too fast even. But he automatically says "No" if I ask for his help or support. That was also what ended up in that argument with him thinking I wanted to break his laptop (I wasn't going to).

In these last few days I did also notice if he says immediately "No" and I say nothing in response then sometimes he will say "Yes" a minute later or offer a suggestion to help but usually it's not that nice either. Like the best case would be that I would remain silent if he says "No", I would have to deal with the pain and hurt inside and then maybe a minute later he changes his mind. Because if I do say something immediately then the "No" definitely remains a "No"....

Even if it's like such a small thing, a few days ago he was like going out to the shop to buy some food and I ask him to get me a small pack of toothpicks. And he says "No". I said nothing to that because f* it, it's just some toothpicks, and like I wanted to allow myself to be resigned. And then a minute later he changed his mind and he said OK he will get them for me. He came back and said the shop did not have them. Next day I go myself, and they DO have them of course.

He neglects really basic things too. He is poorly influenceable on the absolute basic things, he will give in and become "giving" if you try hard to get him to. But it's hard to get him to. It's like pulling teeth. Otherwise he neglects me in general. He never smiles at me anymore if he ever did in the beginning maybe. He is social with friends but not with me.

And it is stupid how starved I am for a smile. Or attention. Or laughing together, jokes together, go out and do things together, I don't know. He neglects me in social situations too and talks very social to other people fine.

But is so in love with me he wants to marry me and everything. What the heck does all that mean?

I currently think, what I will do is if he starts berating me again, going on a long tirade, or call me crazy or anything like that when I try to open up to him about an issue or if he simply blames me for some small everyday issue:

I will instantly slam the door in his face or if there is no door between us then I will just plain walk away. I cannot let him go on another tirade of accusations and blame about the smallest thing, I just cannot, it would be too much negative and I would have to vomit it out sooner or later. I'm already dealing with too much in my life.

He also brought up anger management classes when he thought I wanted to break his laptop, I told him I will go if he will go too with me. And couples therapy, sure. I'm happy to do all that. But I just want to understand WHAT is all THIS?

I blocked it all out before for YEARS and now it's too much AT ONCE to see and look at and face and confront. Absolutely need to make sure to keep my anger controlled about it all. I cannot go back to the detachment and numb stuff anymore. And while so angry that nothing else fits in my head, I need to figure out what the heck is even all this about? I don't believe this is just a random bad relationship. I don't know what it is.