I like this topic..... I was always able to be assertive if it was about something not personal. Business or just not a personal issue. But I had zero assertiveness or even awareness when it came to emotional, personal issues and needs.

So I've tried doing assertiveness there and I've had MANY experiences just like you describe it.

There's a few things I've figured out so far about it:

- A lot of people will not adjust to change immediately. You may need to tell them repeatedly over time a few times before they can adjust. It's an old and ingrained dynamics that needs to be changed, and the change often can only be done gradually.

- A lot of people will get pissed off too on top of it like you describe it. Some of these people can still be open to influence if you are able and willing to put in the time and energy for it.

- If they have an extreme response (this would be the minority), that most people do not do, then you will probably not be able to get heard by them.

All in all. Thing is IMO that most people don't have that high emotionally intelligence, just average (I don't either). So they will definitely need take time to understand the change. In my case the problem is also that if I don't feel spontaneously in the mood for it then I'm not able to get fired up emotionally enough to talk about my feelings so it's a plain request, even if polite, and it maybe has less chance to be heard and registered by the other person.

Example.... I've read this one. Someone wrote in a post somewhere that if her husband was to tell her to kiss him while not really showing any emotional expression, she would be horrified how controlled she would be feeling being told this thing to do. But if he was to tell her in a joking or flirting manner, I bet she would have no problem with being asked to kiss him.....

Beyond this too, I am still not sure if I am doing my change in assertiveness about personal issues right anyway. I probably have to learn more, have to get more flexible in my presentation and in dealing with other people's responses, and so on. Steep learning curve but hopefully worth it eventually.... with more experience and practice.

....Forgot to add:

Where I said, that they will definitely need take time to understand the change. And that means, they will need to put in some effort, energy investment to understand it. Not everyone may be able or willing to do that. Naturally, that's a signal for you to also not invest time and energy and effort in those relationships.

And then there is the usual advice; introduce natural - yet undesirable - consequences for important issues, if they ignore your request.

Also, when a lot of people will get pissed off too on top of it like you describe it. Keep it in mind that this is often just a temporary reaction before they adjust because you don't let yourself be influenced by their "push back". When it's not a big thing that would need more deep or longer discussion, most - normal - people will let you have your fair say and influence in things after that initial temporary reaction. They will forget fast about their initial annoyance

Of course if they are doing really crappy blame and stuff like that, that's too extreme and so it's the third (extreme) category of people.

Overall totally KUDOS to you for getting rid of passive aggressiveness. That's just really cool. Keep going and don't give up!

(I sometimes do feel like throwing in the towel, and telling myself relationships aren't worth this much work, but I'm going on anyway. Stupid me.)