My friend disappointed me in that we both bought expensive art supplies and I thought we could learn to use them together. But once we did our sketches of the same object, I saw she shared her drawings which does not show she was going to paint her drawings. Then I realized she had no intentions of using her supplies until she was good and she did not think of either us should color until we were good. I was upset 😡 but I knew I couldn't get upset with her. I explained to her that sketching doesn't have to be 100% accurate and we have to learn the coloring process as much as the drawing. And she disappointed me in that she was going to use her student paints 🎨 and not the ones we bought. And I didn't understand why she was saying she didn't want to waste her paints. If I had that attitude, I would never use my paints that i just purchased.
I knew I can't blame her. It's her opinion. I don't need to work with anyone. I am mad but the anger is in me in not being strong enough to just do it myself and use the color paints and stop being afraid.

Everything in my life is conflicting. I don't like doing my jobs and feel sick emotionally and can't cope with rude people or being micromanaged and talked down to for not doing tasks exactly as they expect and I don't like doing my tasks. I complain and whine. But in the end then I force myself to work because getting paid because money provides security for me. I hate applying for jobs, so changing jobs is not really an option for me. Quitting would be worse because I need to pay my bills. And I wouldn't go on disability either because it doesn't pay much to be worth it. And I learned the hard way in the past that there is no dream job for me.

I just feel angry but I must resist every bit of my emotions. I can't get angry at people...I know I lose if I reveal my emotions.

And my friend is the best friend I have and she has helped me a lot in other ways. And she is not well physically. Plus she got covid. It still hurts what she said in that my sketches are not good enough...Who cares? If I listen to what she thinks, then I would never use my paints. It will be a waste of money.

I feel ill physically. Too much anxieties and depression and constantly need to hide it. I don't want to lose my job. And I feel foggy, exhausted and weak. Just not feeling well. I need to force myself to even though I want to lie down.

I am tired of denying my emotions but they get me no where if I dwell on them. Thinking about my feelings and problems doesn't produce results or solutions.

My emotions betray me and bring the worse results. 😫 I didn't know that this is what i came to learn. Are my emotions my enemy????. Because if I try to sympathize with myself, I don't get anything done. And if I acted out on my true emotions it damages relationships with people.

I had to learn to repress my emotions because I don't need it to destroy my life as it already had.

Life never pans out the way I want. I pretty much have to accept and appreciate what I have. Or suffer more ill consequences.