My relationship is close to the end.
We've tried therapy but we just can't seem to make it work. Im not sure if it's me or him but I'm quite often looking for ways to leave, searching online how to leave (we have a mortgage and children so not straightforward).
Then I calm down and decide to stay.

Whenever we have a disagreement and he can't see anything from my point of view I get upset and have a knee jerk reaction to leave. I have never left, I haven't told him this or threatened to leave but it instantly comes in my head 'if this person can't give you what you need, you're better off without him'. That is my constant internal narrative. I'll search online for how to leave, any local support groups or help etc then it blows over and I'm 'ok'.

I don't like living like this. It's draining for me, constantly anxious. Nervous, feeling unstable due to my reactions. I can't help it.

I often feel I'm the problem. I'm the one with all the 'issues' because I bring up things I'm not happy with and it blows up.

Eg, he doesn't agree that I'm not vaccinated and our oldest child isn't. I don't agree that he is but I respect his decision. He doesn't give the same grace etc.

I'm just lost. How can I help MYSELF! How can I start putting myself and my feelings first. How can I stop being so irrational and 'crazy'(!?)

Thanks