Thank you so much for all the responses. It helps me feel supported. And it feels like I need that very much now.

I think I am trying to get more "oriented" here. I am not even sure how much of what I am experiencing is him changing, in response to my trying to confront things rather than block them out and shut down emotionally.

And also he has had a few changes in his life too, for example COVID home office made him depressed and negative, though that cannot be an excuse for anything, of course. He does function way better if he can go to the office to work and meet people. He developed a lot of strong anxiety and depression, anxiety about even going outside to the street for a while. He no longer has that anxiety, medication has helped, but he stopped taking the SSRI because he ran out of the pills and didn't bother to restart them until now.

He did open up to me for a very short time saying he feels everything is pointless when he decided to restart taking the pills (a couple days ago). But I don't know if that has anything to do with anything else, and is certainly no excuse for his behaviour.

And I just have a sense that he really may have been changing regardless for the worse.

So I said, I am trying to change the balance in the relationship, yes. I am just afraid that if I try too hard it could be too dangerous. So I am trying to just get a footing and understand more, as it's all just been shocking.

He might be willing to try couples therapy but I still feel a need to "orient" first here before trying that too. I don't want to be like, him talking over me if we go to a therapist, and then the therapist unintentionally believing him more than me.

And, I have been with him because the beginning seemed so nice. I don't mean love bombing, I don't think it was that, but it was emotional and spiritual, or at least how I felt. And we had some affection until these changes, and now I haven't seen any affection anymore.

I am trying to reconcile all the feelings.

And I will admit my other reason is that him seeming so serious about wanting to marry me also feels like love, so again I am trying to process through all these very contradictory feelings.

Also, I am trying very hard to understand his behaviour as I do not want to judge too fast or out of proportion about his whole person and character. But I do not want to be empathetic to the detriment of my own well-being.

What I am perhaps most trying to understand is why or how it is that he doesn't even smile at me anymore or respond if I try to initiate an interaction.

I will admit, all that does feel confusing emotionally.

And I am also so hung up on what it means that he automatically says "No" if I ask him for something, but I say "Yes" automatically.

So, all these things I am trying to understand.

Yes. That is part of why I am still here. I don't know if interacting more with him will help me process the past, if I try to confront some things that I did not before. Or if it would be too dangerous and not helpful to anyone.

The truly sad thing is that I might not be getting anything out of this relationship anymore, other than the very nice, loving, affectionate things in the past a long time ago.

If he really changed, especially if the change is a response to me trying to change things to be more fair in the relationship. Then I am just holding on to those really meaningful moments of initial connection in the past.

And my original image of him, where he was more affectionate, reasonable seeming, a sense of some trust... If all this is just the past and if I am just holding to the past... That is what would be truly sad. It is not something I'd be able to process for now.

I sincerely hope that my post has made some sense.