Thank you everyone who posted after my most recent response. I am sorry for any confusion that my OP caused. I did write my story in a way that made it seem like I had set up my own virtual birthday call and for that I apologize. She was the one to suggest it as her idea -- then she didn't even have the respect to send me a quick message explaining why she needed to not attend it. She just didn't show up and she had the gall to chat with our mutual friends online BEFORE they met with me via video. I mean, the gall!! Who does that kind of thing.

Whether or not my reaction was intense is best left to each person. I react the way that I react. No need to apologize or over-explain my personality quirks to anyone. I wouldn't require that of anyone so I won't feel obligated to do that here. To each his/her own.

I will say that my interpersonal expectations/boundaries are thus: if you initiate plans but are a now show without any explanation that equals "ghosting" to me. Had she sent a message explaining her absence all would be forgiven. Because that is a gesture of respect of my feelings since she suggested the virtual birthday call. Anyone who is the plan initiator who is a no show without any explanation as to why, is, a real jerk. Someone who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. She is not the first nor will she be the last type of selfish person to cross my path. It's very rare that this has happened to me and when it does, it triggers me, for sure. I would NEVER do that to anyone for any reason. Ever.

Her loss - my friendship. There is no excuse justifiable enough to just be a no-show at a party you planned. That's just rude no matter which way you examine it.