Thanks for trying to help more. I felt validated where you said it's him.

I've done my best to only give a description of my observations and not try to assume why he is doing these things. If I am really honest, I don't really know why he is doing any of it. I mean the things he's been doing since the recent change. The things before it, I've managed to understand some of it more, not all of it, for sure. But mainly I blocked it all out before so it's a LOT to deal with and understand now.

By understanding, I do not mean rationalising.

I am also wanting to really understand so I will never end up in another relationship like this if this one is unfixable.


I totally agree that he's not doing much that a good partner would do. And I agree, yes, yes, that he has been doing really appalling behaviours lately.

Again, I'm simply trying my best to describe the behaviours, as I don't actually know what's making him behave like this.

I do not recall ever thinking that he has improved on any of this. My issue is exactly that I am shocked at the change, at how things took a turn for the worse. So, hardly any improvement tbh.

Yes, no wonder I am angry, because I ignored the emotional effect on me for so long so it's a handful (understatement!!) to have to deal with all this now. Especially with the new change making things worse too.

I will respond to this line separately. This is exactly what I have determined myself, and it makes me feel better, and thank you very much for the validation!; but I have to wait for my subconscious to give me more insight on all this, and I am just so impatient having to wait for it. I know I have to know myself more too, I'm doing a lot of work on myself, but I am impatient anyway. And angry, yeah.

Or maybe it is stupid that I'd have to even feel any obligation to wait and understand more. But.....I have experience with having to try and destroy meaningful positive feelings I'd have about someone. I feel extremely tired of the idea of having to go through that right now.

My current goal, as I stated, is simply to understand and orient better about this new change and to keep my anger and reactions under control.

All that needs to be done before I can make any further step.

I will also, again, admit that I find it difficult to break down the image I have of him, that he's just in that category of a ****** person. I would like to understand if the change is temporary or permanent; or if I simply also failed to integrate some of his previously existing negative traits into the image I have of him. I know for a fact that I used to ignore a lot of negatives about people who I would care about. It has bitten me in the arse before and I do not want that to happen again.

So yes, I had to go through this once before, where the person went downhill, due to reasons outside of my control, simply they were unwilling to take responsibility for their life and so on and so on. And I noticed the change too late and it was really bad for me. So then I hate the idea of having to go through it like that again. I would like to be more considered about it now.

And none of that is self-blaming, at all. It's simply me wanting to do things in a decent way, as that will reflect on myself too. And again, I do not want to overreact where he can then try to claim that I'm crazy. For that, I need more understanding and orienting by talking and sharing about what's been happening.

The thing that makes especially hard all this for me is that he has shown a serious willingness to marry me and he did show love and vulnerability before to me, a while ago..... I'm aware that if I tried to date others, some other guys would also be willing to marry me, this has nothing to do with my self-esteem, it's simply the feelings that are hard to deal with for me for now.

But yes, it is very disillusioning that for him the love became just words and not actions, after a while. I am trying to face those feelings, too.

And lastly, yes, I have some empathy even if I do not want to have it anymore, I understand he's depressed, and he'd previously taken responsibility as far as going to the psychiatrist for a prescription. He did CBT too last year but stopped.

And yet things are worse and I do not know if it's the depression not being treated enough or if the big success went into his head.

I do not understand it when a person changes like this. I mean, I can see how certain forms of severe depression (? or whatever it is) can get pretty dark in my experience - had to watch that happen with the other person and that thingy making them being so self-absorbed and downright abusive in the end, emotionally. I never figured out whether that was depression for them or some character fault beyond that. I did cut that relationship off, regardless, but it was a disaster.

Of course, again, dealing with the depression is his responsibility, getting it treated is his responsibility, and all that.

But so yes, it doesn't make total sense to me that it would simply be depression that made him behave in much worse ways lately. That's where I'm also extra mistrustful about his current behaviours and attitudes.

As a sum-up: I would like to see if he will 1) work on himself in therapy or with good self-help or a coach or a support group, and 2) with me in couples therapy. And if not then I'm out of there like there's no tomorrow.

As far as him doing anything tho', 2) I can somehow imagine way more easily than 1), and that's not a good sign to me. And I do not feel ready for 2) if he does not do a little of 1) or if I have worked on myself first enough to be able to respond effectively when he does ethically appalling behaviours if he were to perhaps try and justify them in couples therapy.

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ALL IN ALL: I do have a lot of thoughts and feelings and absolutely not feeling like it all adds up yet.