To everybody and nobody at the same time, seeing as I still don't have a T I feel I can talk to about any of this.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I have been fighting for such a long time to break through to the parts of me that were so badly hurt. The parts of me that hold all of the anger and the pain and hurt. For over three years, nearly four, I have been trying. I've tried knocking on the door. I've tried turning my back and waiting for it. I've tried smashing it open with a stone. I've tried sneaking my way in while you aren't looking. I've tried throwing you a rope and I've tried sitting quietly and gently, just waiting patiently.

I'm not sure what else there is left to try.

Maybe these parts of me just aren't reachable. Maybe it's time I accept that and go about my life as best I can.

It just feels so hopeless. It never worked with a T who I trusted and who I felt safe with, so how on earth is it going to work now?

Old T won't work with me. Ex T just up and walked away from our work. Possible T found a new space that is miles away and is now not taking on new clients. New T simply isn't listening to me when I say that I feel trapped and stuck in the chair and the tiny space, but yet I stay with her because it is the best option I have right now.

Ex T, you talked about me falling through the net when I was a kid, well I'm falling through it again right now, and literally no-one seems to give a f*@#. You may have caught my Little One, and I will always be so incredibly grateful for that, but what about this other part of me? What am I supposed to do with it? I should have killed it when I had the chance. I don't want to go on like this, I really don't. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting. I'm so very, very tired of not being able to help myself and right now I'm tired of feeling like no-one else gives a damn.