I'm trying to decide if I want to go to weekly sessions with you or go with a different therapist altogether. I mean, if I followed your advice I would probably be dead (or at least on North Woods Law) by now. It is convenient timing. We're getting into trauma stuff and this is usually when I take flight, but I've been told by multiple other providers that most of my dysfunction is trauma related so I should stick around and try and work on it right? I just can't wrap my head around discussing what happened with other people. I mean I wrote a freaking poem about it because it was bothering me and poetry is my outlet and there's one line that keeps popping into my head and I get flashbacks when it does and it makes me feel like I'm just broken. I did better when I didn't even know what happened to me was abuse. When I denied it ever happened. When I told myself I wanted what happened to happen and that I deserved it (not that I don't still do that).

I don't know. I just wish there were simple problems with simple answers rather than complex problems with no real solutions. I wish I couldn't see every possibility and get in some stasis trying to figure out which is the best until my gut impulsively chooses whatever's convenient at the time. I want you to know me, but I don't even know me. I've lost my sense of self due to the trauma. Actually, I don't think I've ever had one to begin with. I've had skills and I told myself I loved those things because I was good at them, but now I realize I hate them and so I abandoned them and they're not even skills anymore and I just feel so ****ing empty.

I wish you could help me with that. But I'm not used to being the first one to be vulnerable in any sort of relationship. I guess that makes therapy hard since you're obviously not going to open up to me about your past traumas and addictions.