When I feel it all clicks satisfactorily. When I feel I can start to do deliberate thinking to do an actual, realistic action plan and then I can execute the plan and take action.

Right now, it's all still feeling very dangerous to take any action or make any change. Even if that change is full of good intentions, like it is just me trying to make the relationship better - that is where it started to go so downhill so visibly to me - or try to get him to change anything for the sake of a better relationship, or anything.

I am concerned about him trying to do more manipulative personal attacks on me without warning. And I am already trying to just put my life in order and this would mean I could get traumatised again (I have in the past, I don't mean this relationship, this is a long story and not about this relationship). And I do not want that, I absolutely do not, do not, do not want that risk.

And I do not want to get riled up by him either where he can just go call me crazy or something. I already had him promise not to call me that, but I just don't want to go there again. (That on its own isn't traumatising, but just an example of what bad drama I want to avoid in general.)

I know he can be manipulative, he told me he knows how to rile up people to make them f***k up things for themselves when they are made too angry and upset. But he never tried to do that to me in the past. He only tries to do it to people that he thinks are bad (so he does not do it often. Not excusing him of course). And this relationship has been a long term one. This is part of why I'm so concerned.