We sepeated seven months ago and sold our house.

It was hurtful and painful for a year before that, so the day I moved out, my overwhelming feeling was one of immense relief.

I have spent the last three months renovating my new house and I have felt happy, upbeat, hopeful and really had it together. Three weeks ago he asked to get back together and I said no and felt so strong in making the right decision.

Ever since then I have been feeling so sad. I keep reminiscing about our relationship. For the first few years it was the best relationship I have ever had. I have been married and had serious relationships, but I have never been in love like that before and I was 50 years old when we met!

It was a whirlwind and he proposed after only 3 months together! I literally couldn't do enough for him and he treated me like I was the most precious and important person in his life. Then tragedy struck and he suffered three traumatic events. He allowed me to support him through the first one, but then he distanced himself from me and physically and emotionally left the relationship. I tried to understand and he begged me to hold on, so I tried to give him space and to look after him. On Valentine's day. I found him talking on the phone to another woman, in our bedroom.

He hurt me more deeply than anyone has ever hurt me before and he distanced himself from me and rejected me over and over again before I finally said enough, but now I keep remembering how much he loved me and how much I loved him. I think about him leaving me post it notes in the hall when I got in from work, or insisting on giving me a full body massage because i was over tired, or running my bath and bathing me when i had a hard day at work. I keep picturing his perfect bottom, his eyes twinkling at me in delight and it's so hard! And then I remember the gut wrenching loneliness and the betrayal I felt and I feel so angry! Sad and angry simultaneously in my body is a pretty explosive cocktail!

I want to move on and I have a date today....may be stupid of me....don't really sound ready to date do I?! But I cant just sit and wallow in it, as I feel like it will send me mad and I am not getting any younger!

I am trying to move on with my life, but I am truly frightened. Frightened that I wont find love again and frightened that I will.....

Wish me luck!