Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney
I’m shaky today being around him. He asked me how I felt yesterday (he was doing his own daily check in and I guess wanted to involve me, having me check in emotionally). I was honest and said I was feeling some sadness. He said we should explore that after he buys weed and smokes. So when he is ready he asks me why I’m sad. I sensed he wasn’t asking for reasons of comfort or care, more like he was challenging me about what in the world I should feel sad about. I opened up anyway and told him how I was feeling. I even sad sadness might not be the word, but that I was feeling a lack of other feelings and was feeling depleted and was needing to regenerate (I just came out of the hospital, they thought I might have life threatening clot but didn’t). He again challenged me with what am I doing about my feelings? I gave a list of things I had been doing that day, and said my plan was just to take it easy. He again challenged me, asking “but what are my efforts?” I repeated my efforts, and said I am fine, that I think I’m feeling normally as someone would considering what I’d just been through, and that it should resolve with time. I did sense he was poking at me for no reason instead of just accepting me, or shoot, even saying something nice. I said I think I’m doing alright considering, ffs. I didn’t say ffs to offend him, but more like thinking back over everything I had endured in the hospital because it was tough. He stomped off while sarcastically thanking me for the great talk. I guess he thought he was trying to help me and I wasn’t receptive? He said I need to get a counselor, and that my message to him was how the f could he not understand that I feel sad (which upset him?).
|
Men do not manage their emotions the way you as a woman do. (Most guys, anyway, not overgeneralising).
They will want to fix the emotions, which will feel very invalidating to your feelings if they try to do it to your feelings too. They don't do comfort or care, but apply cold logic and toughness to their emotions most of the time.
The only exception from this rule seems to be when they do get into an emotional mood. Either spontaneously feeling emotional or when they are receptive to a positive emotional interaction with someone else.
Extending that to relationships, if there are enough positive interactions in the relationship, it will be more possible for men to apply the basic relationship skills that they may have (or if they don't have even those skills, they can learn it then). To be able to give basic emotional support the partner without invalidating her. Don't expect refined emotional support even then though.
The bolded sounds like he read it as a strong criticism and attack on his weak skills for feelings/relationships (like with most men).
Quote:
|
Now he’s back with a book from the library. Maybe he will want to educate me, but hopefully he focuses on soothing himself because i don’t know that engaging with him will bring anything positive.
|
Men also physiologically lack a lot of self-soothing skills for feelings that most women have. They will prefer to either openly retaliate if they feel disrespected or will shut down emotions and withdraw from the person for a while. While most women will be able to self-soothe themselves on their own or talk out emotions by talking to their girlfriends.
This is what the current science says about the physiology. Look up John Gottman on this.
Quote:
|
I don’t want to encourage his selfish behavior (I did tell him I thought he was being selfish yesterday).
|
You criticising his emotional attitudes will just achieve the same result as when he criticises your way of doing things - he will feel offended and the cycle continues.
Quote:
|
Also- I think this could have been his way of “getting back at me” because I had asked him the day before about whether he will be able to do his addiction counseling (part of his mental health plan) now that he just took a new job (when I thought he was holding off working for awhile since he was just inpatient twice in the last month). Since I was in the hospital he was smoking even more due to his worry and smoking very heavily once I was home.
|
It seems like you two still have some feelings for each other but the relationship between you two is in a bad state.
I would say if he has serious issues like addiction, you can't really expect him to also work hard on the relationship. This is much like work/life balance. Hard or nearly impossible in most cases to go work hard at the workplace then work hard at home on the relationship at the same time. Let alone working on mental health issues, addiction....
If you find he drains you too much and you two can't take a rest from it for a while, then yes separation may be the best way forward.
Only you can know, of course. This is just some notes in the hope it helps.