I had a bad dream about my family member that recently died. In it, I realized I was dreaming and that he's dead. This is something that has happened with other people/pets that are gone. Usually it's actually kind of good. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, so it's not like I think they are visiting me in my dreams. But somehow it still feels therapeutic to be able to tell them that I miss them. To hug them again and just... I don't know, appreciate being with them knowing that it's only temporary. Hard to explain.

Anyway, this dream wasn't good. I started crying a little bit and told him I missed him. He got really cold and told me to stop it.

Ugh. Maybe it's because he didn't die of natural causes? Because I can't help but wonder if I could have made a difference? Because part of me is angry with him for being so careless? I am not angry at him for relapsing. That's something I can understand. I find it harder to get over him not taking any measures to mitigate risk. Not do it alone. Have some narcan just in case and someone to administer it. At the same time, I understand this may have been something completely impulsive, that he was so desperate that he was careless.

This was my first dream of him since he died. With others, I have dreamed of them multiple times. I hope that next time is different.