Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney
It is hard to manage. I need something yes. I don’t know how we would separate exactly because we don’t have money to support two households until things improve (hopefully they will)
I don’t want to abandon him but it’s so hard to tolerate his behavior that he has such difficultly controlling, I just want to get along, but I feel like the only way to do that is to pretend. Hopefully tomorrow will be better
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Etcetera1
Men do not manage their emotions the way you as a woman do. (Most guys, anyway, not overgeneralising).
They will want to fix the emotions, which will feel very invalidating to your feelings if they try to do it to your feelings too. They don't do comfort or care, but apply cold logic and toughness to their emotions most of the time.
The only exception from this rule seems to be when they do get into an emotional mood. Either spontaneously feeling emotional or when they are receptive to a positive emotional interaction with someone else.
The bolded sounds like he read it as a strong criticism and attack on his weak skills for feelings/relationships (like with most men).
Men also physiologically lack a lot of self-soothing skills for feelings that most women have. They will prefer to either openly retaliate if they feel disrespected or will shut down emotions and withdraw from the person for a while. While most women will be able to self-soothe themselves on their own or talk out emotions by talking to their girlfriends.
This is what the current science says about the physiology. Look up John Gottman on this.
You criticising his emotional attitudes will just achieve the same result as when he criticises your way of doing things - he will feel offended and the cycle continues.
It seems like you two still have some feelings for each other but the relationship between you two is in a bad state.
I would say if he has serious issues like addiction, you can't really expect him to also work hard on the relationship. This is much like work/life balance. Hard or nearly impossible in most cases to go work hard at the workplace then work hard at home on the relationship at the same time. Let alone working on mental health issues, addiction....
If you find he drains you too much and you two can't take a rest from it for a while, then yes separation may be the best way forward.
Only you can know, of course. This is just some notes in the hope it helps.
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Thanks for the notes, it helps. A sticking point is that he is very emotional, always has been, needs a lot of support with his emotions, and has little tolerance for other’s emotions. I am quite stoic with my own emotion, rationalizing emotion frequently, so I guess the contrast allows things to work (barely).
However, I have more self respect than I used to, and so no longer want to tolerate him niggling at me with his projections.
He does have selfish behavior and always has since I’ve known him, and I’ve been careful not to say that to him or about him because he let me know long ago he is sensitive about being selfish. I did tell him he was being selfish because he asked me how I felt and then made it all about him when he didn’t like how I was feeling. I had told him I was okay and that I would feel better soon, I was sure, and I was taking things in stride. Why was that not good enough for him?
He thinks I need help and I’m refusing to get help or help myself?
The more I digest this, a strong answer is he is struggling himself and is projecting it onto me. He was/is triggered from me being in the hospital with what docs had to rule out was potential life-threatening condition. He thinks I’m not okay, because he is struggling and he is not seeing me as unique for him.
I had cried a bit when I returned from the hospital because it was difficult in there, and brought back memories of cancer treatment I had there in the past. And worrying I could die. I told him I was feeling a bit of shame for some fear I had and that some of the fear went back a long way to childhood. He said I need trauma counseling, and I said I wouldn’t pursue additional currently because I’m focused on other things, plus I’ve already done three years of counseling so I feel I have the tools, I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him to release the pressure and we moved on.
If he cared, why was he then later that night criticizing my “non-efforts” that he invented I was doing? It’s like he made a box and then shoved stuff into the box whether it fits or not.
I know he cannot work much on the relationship since he has his other issues to work through, but I just want to be treated respectfully. I have very low expectations of our relationship. Lower than ever.
I mentioned in expressing my “sadness” to him that I felt like I had given everything I had and didn’t have more to give, needed to regenerate. Maybe this threatened him.