Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney
I have boundaries, but still remain open hearted. He is struggling to be happy with living, and so I feel squished between a rock and a hard place when he acts out towards me. Because .. I want him to feel loved I guess? I’m so accustomed to putting his needs ahead of mine. I have even put his wants ahead of my needs.
My dad was a lot like him, and it was the way I was raised to respond.
Ive always believed this can become a healthy relationship…but am I naive?
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Do you mind me asking what you see as the difference between needs and wants in the way you put it here (bolded)?
It can't become a healthy relationship as it is now. You are close to burn out emotionally, he's dealing with at least 2 hard things at once that require a lot of discipline and focus and energy (addiction, new job).
Not a chance until after some rest, minimising stress in the relationship, and waiting until external circumstances (addiction, workplace) are not too demanding.
But it's possible it won't be any good even then. If that close to burn out it's still going to be a lot of work to repair it all so all the past resentment and mistrust goes away. And he'd have to put in the work too. It's NOT impossible, it has happened before, but he'd have to work on it too, not just you. And you'd have to be able to support his efforts too a bit.
And that certainly would NOT be now. He seems like he's already trying to work on the relationship, hear your feelings and so on, but he's not able to due to all the above. Adding a 3rd hard task, it does not seem possible, while you are burnt out too.