Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney
Thank you for your support and feedback. I wasn’t talking about the relationship when I was talking about sadness, but perhaps he interpreted it that way.
|
I'm glad if I could help a bit. And yes, that's absolutely possible.
Quote:
|
I believe he was trying to give me a counseling session, and got annoyed because he didn’t think I was being a receptive pupil? He very clearly told me a couple times that I wasn’t doing anything about my feelings, and then he abruptly acted upset, stomped off while saying I think he “doesn’t understand why I would feel sad.”
|
Yeah, looks like he doesn't get the way you process your feelings.
Quote:
|
Instead, I was feeling pestered by him making me repeat a list of things I was “doing for myself” to cure my sadness. And then acting annoyed with me because he thinks I’m not giving any EFFORT. He made sure to say it was effort I needed to give. Even though I said my solution was to relax and regenerate.
|
Is he the kind of guy that thinks effort is very important in everything? And hardly values relaxing?
Quote:
I guess he was afraid I would feel sad, at all. Hmm.
Then it must have been hard for him to think I could feel sad by my husband lacking basic compassion when he baited me into explaining my feelings to him. And for whose benefit?
This is why he wanted to point out that he is Not responsible for my feelings. That way he can act out emotionally however he wants, at the same time having no actual care about how I feel. I stopped believing he will care about how I feel a long time ago.
|
It does sound like very bad emotional communication between you two.
Yes, I would agree that he would not be able to emotionally tolerate it hearing from you or even just (mistakenly) thinking that you were saying that his basic lack of compassion made you feel sad.
Like, it would translate to him as, he's not able to make you happy and then it would make him feel like a bad person or like he's inadequate. So it's easier for him to get angry instead and blame you. (This is just one possible interpretation of what was going on, but a lot of guys typically think like this)
So go for low stress for now in the relationship if separation is not an option.
Then when he doesn't have to deal with too many extra demands outside the relationship, and doesn't have to spend so much of his discipline on getting rid of the addiction, couples therapy can help with improving the communication and with finding ways to have more positive experiences and positive interactions in the relationship between you two.
If that still doesn't help, then probably it's too much incompatibility between you two, and you two would have to find a way to have some working distance in the relationship to tolerate living together OK, or just separate.
***
I am still wondering what you meant by putting his wants in front of your needs. The way I read it, it sounded wrong to me on a gut level. Everyone has important basic needs and even wants and a healthy relationship doesn't require neglecting your basic needs. Allowing the other person to have all their wants satisfied in a relationship by letting them be more important than your needs will make them just more selfish and want and demand more, too and it can contribute to the demise of the relationship.
PS: One last thing I can think of. You mentioned your dad being similar to your husband. Perhaps that also plays a role in all this, yes, so you could reflect on that too.