Quote:
Originally Posted by Etcetera1
I'm glad if I could help a bit. And yes, that's absolutely possible.
Yeah, looks like he doesn't get the way you process your feelings.
Is he the kind of guy that thinks effort is very important in everything? And hardly values relaxing?
It does sound like very bad emotional communication between you two.
Yes, I would agree that he would not be able to emotionally tolerate it hearing from you or even just (mistakenly) thinking that you were saying that his basic lack of compassion made you feel sad.
Like, it would translate to him as, he's not able to make you happy and then it would make him feel like a bad person or like he's inadequate. So it's easier for him to get angry instead and blame you. (This is just one possible interpretation of what was going on, but a lot of guys typically think like this)
So go for low stress for now in the relationship if separation is not an option.
Then when he doesn't have to deal with too many extra demands outside the relationship, and doesn't have to spend so much of his discipline on getting rid of the addiction, couples therapy can help with improving the communication and with finding ways to have more positive experiences and positive interactions in the relationship between you two.
If that still doesn't help, then probably it's too much incompatibility between you two, and you two would have to find a way to have some working distance in the relationship to tolerate living together OK, or just separate.
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I am still wondering what you meant by putting his wants in front of your needs. The way I read it, it sounded wrong to me on a gut level. Everyone has important basic needs and even wants and a healthy relationship doesn't require neglecting your basic needs. Allowing the other person to have all their wants satisfied in a relationship by letting them be more important than your needs will make them just more selfish and want and demand more, too and it can contribute to the demise of the relationship.
PS: One last thing I can think of. You mentioned your dad being similar to your husband. Perhaps that also plays a role in all this, yes, so you could reflect on that too.
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Even more so, he prob doesn’t get the way he processes his feelings.
He relaxes, sleeps and watches movies when he is depressed or wants to. He isn’t effort focused necessarily. Like he will leave something broken and it doesn’t bother him.
He was bothered I was sad, it could be because he said he was excited, and he stressed about the difference. He may have thought I was sad because of the relationship, or he may have been reacting to me saying I only felt worse after opening up to him (i said after he stomped away, told me to get counseling, and said I was doing nothing to help my sadness, even when I assured him I would be fine).
I try to give him a lot of space and it’s easier for me to that way too right now.
I don’t know what the future holds.
Yes, sadly I was conditioned into a dysfunctional relationship with my dad.